Apparently Elvis Costello once said that the fourth song on any given album is usually its best, so in the interest of fairness (and time management), I have taken that idea to its maximum potential. Seventeen albums and 17 songs later, I’m pretty sure Elvis Costello is full of shit. At least I hope so.
Placebo — “Space Monkey” off of MEDS My first thought upon hearing this song was that it sounded like weak Marilyn Manson. That isn’t a good thing. Slight electronica, slow rhythms and horrific singing combined with, um, “interesting” lyrics make for really bad music.1 out of 5
Spouse — “Boys vs. Girls” off of Relocation Tactics Hey! This isn’t too bad. It’s simple rock music with a bit of an emo edge. A sad sounding dude is singing all compassionately about girls n’ shit. The instrumentation is soft, but competently performed. I could see listening to a full album of this.3 out of 5
Jonah — “Don’t Disappear” off of Trust Everyone before they break your heart This is kinda weird. It sounds like modern alternative rock at first, but the singing is more like a band from the early ’80s. It’s very staid and boring, and the playing has zero energy. Overproduced is the key word here.2 out of 5
Young Buck — “I Ain’t Fuckin’ Wit U” off of Buck the World Young Buck is not fucking with me. He’s serious about his bad radio-rap music. Simple beats and guest appearances from Snoop Dogg and Trick Daddy make this song what it is. I think Young Buck sings the weak background chorus? Whatever he does, it isn’t very impressive.2 out of 5
Carrie Clark and the Lonesome Lovers — “I Saw You (Hovering)” off of Seem so Civilized Reverb-drenched guitar, light percussion and really lilting, annoying female singing. Ehh… this is really bland chick rock. The song has a nice arabesque melodic part, with simple yet effective guitars, but the singing-it just overpowers the song. The cheesy guitar solo at the end doesn’t help either.2 out of 5
Annais Mitchell — “Shenandoah” off of The BrightnessNasally vocals and country-picked guitars go together well. That’s why so many people have already done it. Ms. Mitchell obviously owes a large debt to mid-20th century American folk music and, based on this song, doesn’t really see a need to expand on it. I’ll just listen to Woody Guthrie, thanks.2 out of 5
Emmure — “Rusted Over Wet Dreams” off of Goodbye to the Gallows This is gross. Teenagers making bad “metalcore” with growly vocals and occasional melodic leads. I’ve got to say though, of the 15 breakdowns contained within this song, one of them is kind of cool. What’s with the bad POD vocals though? That isn’t very “hardcore,” bro. Your friends are going to mosh you to death.1 out of 5
Utah Carol — “I’m Sorry Maria” off of Rodeo Queen Lounge music? Well, sort of. This music is really just quiet. Soft singing on both the male and female fronts, with guitars strummed softly as well. This music is was it is, and what it is ain’t much. 2 out of 5
300 soundtrack — “Returns A King” Hell Yeah! This shit is epic. One long chorus of sweeping vocals and pounding drums. Put this on and it will give any situation gravitas. I was talking about pizza with this playing in the background and it seemed like the most important thing ever. 4 out of 5
Joshua English — “Art Trouble” off of Trouble NoneDid you ever wonder what would happen if Maroon 5 were even bigger wusses? Me neither, but Joshua English is surely what that would sound like. It’s soulless and boring alt-rock for the chick-set that likes non-threatening men.1 out of 5
Je Suis France – “That Don’t Work That Well For Us” off of Afrikan MilkThis is kinda nice. It has that jangly, indie-rock vibe going on, with light elements of keyboards and glitchy electronics. Not terribly innovative, but enjoyable nonetheless.3 out of 5
Endwell — “Four Letter Words” off of Homeland Insecurity More godawfulness from Victory records. This is the same boring, generic crap that has been permeating the “underground” music scene for a while now. He’s screaming, he’s singing, the girl dumped him, melodic guitar lead, end song. This isn’t hardcore or metal, despite what Endwell would like you to believe.0 out of 5
!!! (Chk, Chk, Chk) — “A New Name” off of Myth Takes More indie-rock from a band with a stupid name. This song, however, seems to be a well written pop piece. The guitars jangle, the singing bounces and there are shakers in the background. It has a little bit of a disco vibe going on as well.3 out of 5
Stevie Nicks — “If Anyone Falls in Love” off of Crystal Visions: The Very Best of Stevie Nicks What the hell? Does anyone like Stevie Nicks’ solo material enough to buy a greatest hits collection? This sounds (predictably) dated. Melodramatic singing and cheesy synths dominate. Not good.1 out of 5
Maylene and the Sons of Disaster — “Darkest of Kin” off of Self-Titled “Dude, I love Pantera.” “Yo, so do I!!” “Sweet, let’s start a weak southern hard-rock band.”(Throws the horns)3 out of 5
Morningbell — “Faster than Eagles, Stronger Than Lions” off of Through the Belly of the Sea Hmmm… this band likes the ’60s. This is lo-fi rock music lacking punch or excitement. 2 out of 5
Static X — “Chemical Logic” off of Cannibal This song has a stupid electronic voice at the beginning, but afterwards turns into a pretty straight-forward thrash-metal song. My hair isn’t nearly colored enough to enjoy Static-X (nor are my pants large enough). Whatever, junior high schoolers everywhere will rejoice.2 out of 5