800-Pound Guerrilla

Two sea lion exclusion devices, put in place at substantial cost to deter the hungry water-loving mammals, were removed from the Bonneville Dam fish ladders this week at the behest of Oregon and Washington fishery agencies in order to investigate the low count of returning Chinook salmon. As of Monday only 316 salmon had passed through the fish ladders at the dam. It is possible that the salmon run is simply very late.

What this means for you: Just throw the low fish count on the pile of all the other reasons we’re likely doomed. Oh, and you should develop a taste for that shitty, genetically engineered farmed salmon while you’re at it.

Our esteemed president announced his replacement for Scott McClellan, the much beleaguered and now footloose and fancy free, press secretary this week. And the wiener is – (drum roll) Fox News commentator Tony Snow. No one will ever know if the president chose Snow because his last name reminded our esteemed leader of the more simple times of his youth. Still the Prez did suggest that his decision was fair and balanced because Snow has at times been critical of the president, which must have meant Snow had at one time licked the wrong boot.

What this means for you: We are so sorry. We were going to write a joke that would stick it to that phone breather O’Reilly, but it just seemed too easy. At any rate we’d just like to say we love Hillary Clinton, we are award-winning columnists and we will probably be looking for work in 2008. Wink wink.


It was announced this week that a committee will review a proposal to increase PSU student stipends by 10 percent next year. If passed, the increase would take money from the $30 student fee increase. The 10 percent raise would be considered a cost of living increase. Most student workers interviewed by the Vanguard were of the opinion that it was about fucking time, already. Geesh

What this means for you: Quick! There are positions available at the Vanguard as we speak! Apply now and get the fat check! The big money! OK, so maybe we exaggerate.


A great big ole’ shit fire is going down between the PSU administration and the Student Fee Committee after President Bernstine returned the student fee budget to the SFC for re-examination. We aren’t going to say too much about this because there is a whole bunch of coverage on this issue in the very paper you are currently reading. Basically, we just wanted to say “big ole’ shit fire.”

What this means for you: Well, if someone doesn’t put out this big ole’ shit fire, there’s this whole question of the $10 million in student fees that needs to be allocated.


The week in weird

The city of Parma, Ohio, has proposed a unique and ingenious “Do-Not-Knock” list in order to keep solicitors and political and religious nuts from disturbing their residents. Penalties for canvassers and their ilk who knock at the door of a home on the registry could receive $1,000 in fines and up to six months in jail.

What this means for you: You think there’s any way we could get some sort of “Do-not-scream-religious-diatribes” thing going for the Park Blocks? Those assholes ruin our day.