Christmas foreskin
Christmas can be pretty anti-climatic, especially when you get stuff you don’t want or need. Hate getting underwear from your grandma? Well, these PSU students prove that gifts can get much, much worse.
The following are interviews from real people. (Yes, REAL PEOPLE! I’m not making any of this up. These interviews are real. REAL!)
Anonymous 1
What was the worst Christmas present anybody ever gave you?
The funniest one, my mom and my step-dad got me a porno.
What porno was it?
I don’t know, all I remember was the tag line was Four Hours of Fucking.
Why did they…what…?
They thought it was really funny.
Did they let you keep it?
Yeah.
Do you still have it?
Uh, no, it was a VHS tape. I’ve moved to DVDs and internet streaming.
Did you "use" it?
Oh of course. What else was I gonna do with it?
Anonymous 2
What’s the worst Christmas present you’ve ever received?
Undershirts that were way too big from my boyfriend.
Undershirts?
Yeah, size large. You’d think he’d know what size, approximately, that I wasn’t a large.
They didn’t have like a sweat stain on them?
No, they had the tags on them.
That would’ve been really insensitive if he had given you his used undershirts.
It would’ve been better if they were used and a small than new and large.
You think so?
Yeah.
Yeah, ’cause if they smelled like him then you could think of him when he wasn’t around.
Put it on my pillow when I was in bed at night.
Exactly. Ya could’ve. Pheromones? It’s good times. Right?
Sure…I gave them to Goodwill.
So somebody at Goodwill got a prize.
Yup.
Anonymous 3
What’s the worst Christmas present you’ve ever received?
Uhm…
Socks? Fruitcake?
No, I got jerky from my uncle. He’s from Montana. It was like wild or exotic jerky.
It was from a company that specialized in exotic jerky meat. It was like kangaroo meat, not kangaroo, but alligator–I remember that one for sure, because I tried it. The rest I didn’t even do.
Was it like beaver or something?
Cougar ‘n’ stuff like that. He’s from Montana, he’s real outdoorsy. He shot a cougar and made breakfast sausage out of it and that was a gift to the family.
Cougar breakfast sausage?!
It was good, really gamey but it was delicious.
Anonymous 4
Worst Christmas present?
My family does a gift exchange and there’s always a joke-gift. Everybody else is getting really cool stuff like video games–I got a role of toilet paper.
Awesome.
I was pretty pissed about that.
You were "pissed" about getting toilet paper!
No pun intended.
Anonymous 5
Worst Christmas present?
No, I don’t know about you.
I know about you. You’re anonymous.
No.
You’re anonymous #5.
No.
Why no?
No.
Not even…
I have a meeting very, very soon.
Will it be a fun meeting? Will there be gifts given?
No.
No gifts?
No.
Good cheer?
No.
Just no?
No.
Could you not say "no"?
No.
Why not?
No.
You can’t answer "why not" with a "no." That doesn’t make grammatical sense.
No.
Anonymous 6
What’s your worst, or you said your best Christmas present ever?
It’s kind of both, really. So this guy I was dating four years ago, now my ex, I’ll call him Steve, I guess. We go out to dinner with his parents about a month before Christmas. His mother asks me, "What do you want for Christmas?" I’m pretty sentimental so I say, "How about something from his childhood?" So a month later Christmas comes and she hands me this box and there’s like a rubber band inside. I’m thinking "what’s this?" and she leans over and she tells me this is the ring of foreskin from Steve’s circumcision.
Do you still have it?
No, we broke up so I gave it back to him.
Anonymous 7
What was the worst Christmas present anyone has ever given you?
When I was homeless living in the woods off Barbur, I had made friends with some people who were very, very wealthy it turned out. I didn’t realize how wealthy they were until I went to their house for Christmas dinner. It’s like snowing, cold as fuck out and I’m homeless and I’m sitting in this really nice house out in Beaverton somewhere. The granddad was some kind of millionaire and he was passing out checks for like $5,000?”$6,000, $1,000 for the grandkids. I’m sitting there, maybe I don’t deserve it or anything but they didn’t give me a damn penny. You know, I felt like if you’re gonna pass money around and you want your token homeless guy to make it all homey and everything, but God-darnit! Pass the bucks along with the gravy!
But it wasn’t really a bad Christmas present. It was no Christmas present.
You’re right! No Christmas is better than Christmas when you got Christmases like mine! And you can quote me on that.
