TV in Print

What good is spring break if you can’t watch late, late night TV? Since the syndicated sitcoms like “Yes, Dear” and “The Parkers” end at around 2 a.m., your early morning TV options boil down to infomercials and the Trinity Broadcasting Network. I tend to choose the latter, since Bishop TD Jakes is a lot more entertaining than the guy who makes thousands every month buying foreclosed homes. TBN offers a wealth of late night programming, from Mr. T telling you to “keep it real” on “Praise The Lord” to Kirk Cameron bemoaning the sex and drugs lifestyle he lived while he was on “Growing Pains” (who knew?).

“24”

This week, Jack blew up a main gas pipe to stop nerve gas from leaking through into thousands of homes. Which of course blew up the whole facility, though thankfully Jack was able to stay at least two or three feet in front of the giant balls of fire behind him. Remember that the next time you’re running from a huge explosion: three feet minimum between you and the flames.

“Conviction”

This show breaks the cardinal rule of “Law and Order” shows: it actually wants us to care about its characters. Big mistake, since most people who watch “Law and Order” couldn’t even tell you the names of the characters. There’s just “that one hot brunette assistant DA” or “that tall black guy who was in ‘Rent.”‘

“Heist”

Hey, it turns out the real reason for this heist is so the main character can get back at the guy who married his ex-wife. It seems like slashing his tires or putting a potato in his exhaust pipe would be a lot easier, but that’s just my two cents. I’m sure a multi-million dollar diamond heist will stick it to him too.

“My Name Is Earl”

Is Earl’s brother Randy retarded or just simple-minded? This week, he grabbed a can of tear gas and cried because the pink gas was “so beautiful.” You’d think even a simpleton would know that when a SWAT team throws a can into your motel room, you probably should get the hell out of there.

“The Simpsons”

This episode was even weird for “The Simpsons.” Grandpa Simpson became a matador, a death doctor killed his patients with a giant iPod he called the Die-pod, and Lenny joyfully admitted he had Down’s syndrome. Oh, and apparently there is going to be a “Simpsons” movie.

“Free Ride”

Funniest line on TV last week: After resident dumbass Dove loses a karate match, his friend Nate tells him he can’t learn karate on the internet. His response: “You’re right; I need a high speed connection.”