A ban for all seasons

My fellow PSU students, I am sick! Sick! Every day I have to put up with you silly asses and your ridiculously bad sense of fashion. I’m sure you’ve read folks in the Mercury give their two cents, now please let me give you mine.

Hair, there and everywhere

Basically, it’s best to be au natural. Don’t put gel in your hair, it’s ugly and it makes you look like a douche. I’ll bet vaginal cream has the same consistency as gel; I know KY jelly does.

Don’t get too fancy. I know you want to be like Rod Stewart or Brian Jones, but you’re not, so don’t do it. That also means no faux-hawks. Electro-clash is over, and so is that haircut!

And for Jah’s sakes do not get dreadlocks! The rule for dreadlocks is as follows: if you are black, Jamaican or Rastafarian, then it’s OK to have natty dreads. If you’re not, then do not get dreads! Do not! Rastafarians wear dreads in order to flaunt their non-straight, non-Caucasian, African hair. It’s also a tenet of the Rasta religion based on a Bible quote in Numbers 6:5: “All the days of the vow of the separation there shall no razor come upon his head until the days are fulfilled for which he separated himself to the Lord, he shall be holy, and shall let the locks of the hair of his head grow.” You wouldn’t wear a yarmulke or burka, so why are you wearing dreads?

If the pants fit –

Please wear pants that fit. The ’90s are over, even in the ’90s baggy pants looked retarded, and you know what? They still do. Don’t wear them.

Please make sure they are the right length. If they’re crumpling up at the bottom and they’re too long, hem them. Same goes for width, make sure they aren’t too wide. You can buy a pair of pants at Goodwill and get them tapered and hemmed at a dry-cleaners and it’ll still be cheaper than buying a new pair.

Also, ladies, you know those cotton-like, part-skirt, part-shorts, part-pants things I see some of youse wearin’. They ruin nice legs and they emphasize the worst aspects of your ass. Pick one or the other: skirt, pants or shorts, not all of them.

And please, please avoid pre-acid-washed flares, please. I know you like them because I see them everywhere but just trust me on this one.

Face facts!

And for fuck’s sake, shave! Especially the goatee. Lose it. The only guy that looked good in a goat was Dobey Gillis and he’s not real! Then there are soul patches and those only look good on jazz musicians. It’s always chubby fellows with the goats. Look fellas, I know you’re self-conscious of your double chin, I used to be fat too and I know what you’re going through. The key phrase here is “used to be.” I didn’t hide my fat-ass face by hiding it, I did something about it! If you don’t like your extra chin, get rid of it! Diet! Exercise!

And you don’t have to shave every day, maybe once or twice a week is kosher, stubble is where it’s at. The point should be to make sure your manly jaw-line is in full view for all to see, so that also means no beards.

Ink

If you’re a biker, a sailor, a bar maid or a criminal of some sort (like a member of the Yakuza) then you should you get a tattoo. Otherwise keep that virgin skin nice and smooth and bare.

Piercings

Didn’t I already say the ’90s are over? Yes, I did.

Miscellaneous fashion don’ts and a couple of do’s

No Castro Caps! Don’t you dare! Take them off and throw them in the trash.

Wear earth tones sparingly. This is Oregon, there are plenty of them to go around. Wear something brighter, you don’t have to go neon, just something happy and warm like orange or red or aquamarine or chartreuse or even fuchsia.

Do be creative. Model yourself after a favorite writer or actor in a movie or even a cartoon character and mix, match and combine. But the point should be to find what looks good on you, the stuff mentioned above never does.