An order of hotness, please

Note: The hotness of various staffs has been tallied using a sliding scaling of Natalie Portmans, wherein 1 Natalie Portman is equal to “un-porkable” and 5 Natalie Portmans is equal to “so porkable that you’ll have a hard time focusing on your eggs benedict.”

Note: The hotness of various staffs has been tallied using a sliding scaling of Natalie Portmans, wherein 1 Natalie Portman is equal to “un-porkable” and 5 Natalie Portmans is equal to “so porkable that you’ll have a hard time focusing on your eggs benedict.”

Sometimes it’s not only the food that keeps you coming back to some of the city’s hotspots-it’s the people serving the food. Here’s a look at some of Portland’s hottest, sexiest wait staffs.

Half and Half/ 4 Natalie Portmans923 S.W. Oak St. / 503-222-4495M-F 7:30 a.m.-7:30 p.m. / Sat.-Sun. 8 a.m.-6 p.mThe ruffians of Half and Half coffee shop are so adorably scruffy that it’s almost unbearable. I dare you not to develop a crush on at least three of them before you’re halfway through your latte. Both male and female members of Half and Half’s staff are typically clad in vintage tees, self-applied haircuts and a faint aloofness that makes the previous two factors that much more appealing.

Doug Fir Lounge / 3 Natalie Portmans830 E. Burnside St./ 503-231-9663M-Sun. 7:00 a.m.-2:30 a.m.The Doug Fir gets a fair amount of flak (not entirely undeservedly) for being a veritable melting pot of hipster scum. While this reputation may hold some truth, it is also a well-known fact that hipster scum are one of the most make-out-with-able sub classes of 20somethings to be found in a modern urban environment. Come ready for tattoos, tight pants and the other various adornments that make the Doug Fir’s colorful fauna so trashily alluring.

Stumptown Coffee / 3.5 Natalie Portmans 4525 S.E. Division St. / 503-230-7702M-F 6 a.m.-7 p.m. / Sat.-Sun. 7 a.m.-7 p.m.

128 S.W. Third Ave. / 503-295-6144M-F 6 a.m.-9 p.m. / Sat. 7 a.m.-9 p.m. / Sun.7 a.m.- 8 p.m.

3352 S.E. Belmont St. / 503-467-4123M-Sun. 8 a.m.-8 p.m.

1026 S.W. Stark St. / 503-224-9060M-Sun. 6 a.m.-10 p.m.

Deschutes Brewery & Public House / 2 Natalie Portmans210 N.W. 11th Ave. / 503-296-4906Lunch: M-Sun. 11 p.m.-5 p.m. / Dinner: M-Sun. 5 p.m.-12 a.m. This transplant from the retirement Mecca of Bend is impressive not so much for the outstanding attractiveness of its staff but rather for the consistence of quality lookers on their payroll. Everyone from the line cooks to the hostesses is attractive enough to merit accolades, and that quality alone is worth a hearty “Thumbs up!”

Tiny’s Coffee / 4 Natalie Portmans1412 S.E. 12th Ave. / 503-239- 5859M-F 6 a.m.-10 p.m. / Sat.-Sun. 7 a.m.-10 p.m. Not only is the staff of Tiny’s Coffee just cute as a bag of buttons, but they’re also so damned nice. As a rule, attractive people don’t develop the humility endemic to the rest of us (and why should they? they’ve got looks to see them through). But for some reason the staff of Tiny’s has perfected the rare trifecta of looks, personality and excellent baked goods that describe a perfect mate.

Le Pigeon / 5 Natalie Portmans for Gabriel Rucker, 3 for the rest of the staff738 E Burnside St. / 503-546-8796M-Sat. 5 p.m.-10 p.m. / Sun. 5 p.m.-9 p.m. Le Pigeon head chef Gabriel Rucker is a catch. He’s got good tattoos, top-notch culinary skills and an accent so charming it could make Hugh Grant swoon. The fact that he has chosen to surround himself with other such attractive sorts makes his restaurant only that much the better.

Paragon Restaurant / 3.472 Natalie Portmans1309 N.W. Hoyt / 503-833-5060Lunch: M-Sun. 11:30 a.m.-4 p.m. Dinner: Sun.-W 5:30 p.m. to 10 p.m./ Th.-Sat. 5:30 p.m.-11 p.m. Though Paragon is comfortably out of most students’ price range (especially as we head into Great Depression II: The Reckoning) their happy hour is worth an occasional attendance in order to inspect the svelte up-and-comers working the front of the house. The wait staff of Paragon looks as if it’s populated by people who are soon to be either A) Corporate lawyers or B) Trophy spouses of corporate lawyers, and while they may give off an air of un-attainability, there is still plenty of stiff charm to go around–especially if you’re a corporate lawyer.