April Showers

Well, they say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. I suppose the lion is supposed to be a metaphor for winter, and the lamb spring. But I ain’t seen a lamb, but I’ve seen plenty of, I guess we could call them “lambions.” Somehow the weather has turned that metaphor into a genetic mishap. Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that the sun is not out yet and I don’t like it.

Anonymous 1

What is to be done about this fucking rain? I mean it’s supposed to be spring and the sun is not out, and I’m going insane from lack of serotonin in my system.

Fuckin’ move somewhere else.

Where should I move?

I would say L.A. but they just had that flood a while ago.

So I would drown in L.A.

Maybe like Orlando, or the desert like Phoenix.

Phoenix? But I hear there’s lots of meth-addled rednecks in Phoenix. Well there’s crazy meth-addled rednecks here.

I can point one out to you in the next 30 seconds.

What about that girl in the pink sweater, is she a meth-addled redneck?

No, I don’t think so, you can ask her.

Pardon me, are you a meth-addled redneck?

Pink-sweater girl: No, I don’t know what that is.

A meth-addled redneck, you don’t know what a meth-addled redneck is?

PSG: No, I know what a redneck is but what is “meth-addled”?

It’s an adjective, meaning full of meth, meth addicted. Are you addicted to methamphetamine?

PSG: Uh – yeah – no really I am not because I am in school.

Why? It helps with your studies, you don’t have to sleep or eat.
Meth is something I like to talk about in my articles.

You can’t do it all the time though because you get all like ugly and bleeding and sit in a corner and twitch – I don’t really like meth.

Does it help with the rain?

No, you should try heroin because then you can just sleep through the rain. Like go on a heroin binge in the winter and hibernate. Wake up in like June.

But then I wouldn’t enjoy the summer because then I’d be in withdrawals.

Well, they have rapid detox at Hooper, it’s only seven days.


Anonymous 2

It’s pretty rainy outside.

It sure is.

Why is it so rainy?

Um – because the clouds absorb water and it comes out of the clouds because of the warmness.

Where does the warmness come from?

All the people on the ground, their warmness is going up to the clouds. So if there are less people on the ground it won’t rain as often.

Do you think we should start murdering people?

I think that is an option but I think what we should all do is just go into the basement.

What basement?

The basement in Smith.

Like everyone, everyone in the world –

– everybody in Portland.

We’d be packed in like sardines.

Yeah, or we could start killing people.

How would we kill those people?

Well, first we would kill the women and the children because they’re the healthiest. I think we should poison their coffee and their cough syrup, put cyanide in it.