Author: Nick Jaynes

Baby turtles. That’s right, you read correctly, baby turtles. That’s what the United States Congress legislated over last week. They passed a bill that would reverse the ban on the sale of baby turtles in the U.S.

In 2006, 78 percent of college students in the United States had credit cards, and one among every 10 college students carried a balance of over $7,800 in credit card debt.

I was walking through campus the other day and saw a pack of hipster folk standing around, talking. As I walked by, I made note of their tight pants, disheveled yet perfectly placed hair, neat-o sneakers and messenger bags.

The Portland State housing department is an interesting one, to say the least.

Rich white kids buying, selling and abusing drugs at downtown Portland’s Lincoln High School shouldn’t be news.

Chad Escobedo was mad. He was mad at a teacher for calling his mother and telling her he was doing poorly in class.

I logged onto Facebook (the world’s second largest friend networking website) the other day to discover some of my friends had joined a group called “Save Music Millennium on 23rd!” and when I first saw it I said to myself, “Yeah! Let’s save it!” Then I paused, furrowed my brow and said aloud, “Wait, why?”

“Aw, a PT Cruiser?” I moaned as I stepped out of the Birmingham Alabama Airport Enterprise car rental booth, staring at the cheap-looking keys in my hand embossed with the Chrysler logo.

On a sunny spring afternoon last year, I received a call from my best friend. “You’ve got to sign up for this anthropology class I’m in,” he said. “The professor essentially spends every day disproving the Bible, it’s great!” Without hesitation I signed up for the class.

Let’s get this straight: our government representatives don’t get a kick from taking away your personal rights. They aren’t evil people who want to keep you from having any fun. They don’t dislike you and they don’t have any disdain for your life choices. On the contrary, they want you to have a good, healthy and productive life.

Who would you list as some of the all-time greatest Americans? George Washington, Abe Lincoln, Martin Luther King, Franklin Delano Roosevelt? What about Alf? Yes, you read correctly. Alf, the alien puppet who charmed America from 1986-90 in four memorable seasons, is truly one of the greatest Americans and should join the ranks alongside the others.