Best of PSU

Best place to "putter" around

    Behind the Peter W. Stott Center, past the field of doggie doo, lays a hidden oasis of putting pleasure. If in between classes you find the desire to pull out your club, grab that special someone and venture to the hidden, exotic putting green. The one and only PSU putting green features thick bushes and trees tall enough to seclude you and your putting partner from the wandering eyes of passersby. Ignore the noise from the nearby freeway and get your putt on. It’s secluded enough so that you and your putting companion can escape from the stress of school, stare into each others eyes and putt until you can’t putt anymore. No longer will you wander aimlessly looking for a dark hole to sink your balls into. And remember, when approaching the putting green, always announce your presence loudly so as not to catch a couple mid-stroke.

Best place to catch up on sleep

    Many find that you can no longer fit sleep into your busy schedule of work, school and promiscuous sex. If only there were a way to combine sleep and school into one amazing experience! The PSU Film Studies department has an answer. Every term, multiple film classes are offered, many in Neuberger 8, which features semi-comfortable chairs, dimmable mood lighting, and a fine selection of mostly quality films. Once the lights go down and the film begins, close your eyes and enter dreamland. Two hours later you will be refreshed and ready to engage your mind for whatever challenges lie ahead. Don’t worry about missing the film – chances are that if you’ve taken one film class you’ve already seen what they have to show you. How many times does one person need to see North by Northwest anyway? If you haven’t seen the film, no biggie, rent it at Movie Madness, or just fake your way through the paper. After all, we’re talking movies here, not art.

Best place to travel through time

    Marvel at the wonders of life and death science-style at PSU. If you like skeletons you’ll love the second level of the Science Building 2, which features the bones of a giant python, a grey whale, and what appears to be a lion ready to mount a zebra. The common area is often empty, probably because most people don’t like to study under the vacant watchful eyes of a bleached monkey skull. If you can brave the experience and have no fear of these long-dead animals rising from the grave to devour your flesh, you’ll appreciate the subconscious wisdom these ancient bones will instill in you. When you hit a wall in your studies, close your eyes, spin around and pretend you are a time-traveler stuck in the land of the lost. Watch out for that leopard. It’s going to attack! Who is that walking up the stairs? It’s someone from a neighboring tribe. Run and hide! Grunt, scream, and let out your inner Neanderthal. When you are finished role-playing you’ll be invigorated enough to finish your studies.

Best bathroom

    There might be cleaner bathrooms, bathrooms with more flair, and bathrooms with more obscene graffiti, but there is no bathroom on campus that will give you a better chance of bumping into PSU President Daniel O. Bernstine than the men’s bathroom on the third floor of Cramer Hall. Just a few doors away from Bernstine’s office is this haven of defecation, featuring amenities like soap, automatic flush, and paper toilet seat covers. Bernstine is the closest thing to royalty that PSU has to offer and you should never pass up the opportunity to urinate next to a living legend. Are you ladies feeling left out? Well just rent She’s the Man and take down notes on how to accurately pass as a male. If you don’t have much luck running into Bernstine, just stop by his office and tell him about your wonderful experiences and adventures at this fine university.

Best place to be told you’re going to Hell

    If what you really need to get your day started is a healthy dose of religious intolerance, then pull up a seat in front of the brick stage in the park blocks for a dose of good old-fashioned heathen bashing. Like sharks devouring a wounded seal, these religious zealots will surround anyone with a lip ring and a scowl. When they get in your face, smile and daydream about rocking out to Slayer in the fires of Hell while they are stuck listening to constant harp-strumming. That quick burst of hate can take the place of your morning coffee and get you energized enough to get you through your long day. So grab your life partner’s hand, walk through the park, plant a long wet one on their lips and wait for the hate to commence.