Something terrible is about to happen to football. The Lingerie Football League is inaugurating its 2012 “all-fantasy” tour schedule with some kind of filthy pay-per-view event in Mexico City. Don’t act too relieved, however. My sources tell me at some point in the near future, this roving horror show will be returning to our illustrious shores, and for the third year in a row, it will be bringing new expansion teams with it.
Between The Horns: Keep your pants on, Portland
Something terrible is about to happen to football. The Lingerie Football League is inaugurating its 2012 “all-fantasy” tour schedule with some kind of filthy pay-per-view event in Mexico City. Don’t act too relieved, however. My sources tell me at some point in the near future, this roving horror show will be returning to our illustrious shores, and for the third year in a row, it will be bringing new expansion teams with it.
For those who aren’t aware of the Lingerie Football phenomenon, it was originally devised as counter-programming to the Super Bowl, a lurid alternative to the Puppy Bowl. The league was created by sleazeball entrepreneur Mitch Mortaza, the self-proclaimed “king of one-night stands.” In 2012, the league has expansions on other continents, a television deal with MTV and franchises in a dozen cities. The Lingerie Football League’s website proudly proclaims: “The lingerie football league is a rarity in sports—a women’s professional league that’s actually growing.”
As if this whole show wasn’t gross enough, in December the LFL announced Portland was one of six cities listed as “top expansion markets for 2012.” That’s right, Mortaza has his sights set on the Rose City.
Who’s even watching this garbage? After three years, shouldn’t there already be enough footage of girls in thongs and shoulderpads tackling each other for the Victoria’s Secret catalog subscribers of the 21st century? How does this league keep growing every year? There’s a video on the front page of the LFL’s website for the “top 5 quarterbacks in the league,” and under that is a poll: “Can anyone stop LA’s dynasty run?”
Maybe I’m about to cross the line, but who on Earth is clicking on that link? Who decided they couldn’t pay attention to actual women’s football (of which the options are many, as illustrated elsewhere in this section) but that they could really get into the version with seven players to a team and 50-yard fields, where the players can’t wear clothes?
I’m not about to try to stop someone from paying for or getting paid for doing something like this. Lots of people make livings doing worse. Portland is the capital of strip clubs, after all, and underneath that, it’s also a hub for prostitution.
I don’t want to tell you you can’t or shouldn’t want to demean the sport of football by bringing the lingerie football experience to Portland. I just think you should feel super gross about it.
