1989’s “Say Anything” stands out to many men of our generation as testament to rock ‘n’ roll and romantic love. The image of John Cusack, arms raised, boom box blaring “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel has forever implanted the myth that problems of the heart can be explained away within the confines of a three-minute song. The charmingly misogynistic film and its hapless hero shone as a beacon of hope for lovelorn outcasts, reassures us that even the most awkward of teenagers can find love if they have good taste in music. After all, he got the girl, right?
But adult relationships can be exponentially more difficult to traverse, with issues arising that as heart broken teenagers we could have never imagined. What “Say Anything” neglects to do is talk about the concerns of real life about what you do once you’ve got the girl. So this is for all the denizens of the Lloyd Dobbler cult; a list of songs compiled for the difficulties of adult life. So no matter what fucked up mess you find yourself in, all it takes to get out of it are a boom box, a trench coat, and an earnest look.
Best song for telling your lover you’ve discovered you have an STI: “I’m on Fire” by Bruce Springsteen ?” baby, it’s like I’m peeing turpentine.
Best song for telling someone you actually meant to date their sibling. “Sister Christian” by Night Ranger ?” What’s your price for flight?
Best song for revealing a urine fetish: “Sunshowers” by M.I.A. ?” try streaming this song, hee hee. The arch of the chorus is amazing.
Best song for telling your partner you cheated on them: “Cheated (To All The Girls)” by Wyclef Jean ?” sure it’s the obvious choice, but you play this for a woman and she’ll be glad you’re gone.
Best song for convincing your partner to try out a swingers club: “Baby You’ll Get Yours” by JD and the Impressions ?” and then see how you’re feeling when she does.
Best song for explaining you didn’t know that “escort” was a man: “Cold Hearted Snake” by Paula Abdul ?” if Hugh Grant had used this one he might have been saved from staring in “About A Boy.”
Best song for explaining you didn’t know that “escort” was a cop: “Oops, I Did it Again” by Mrs. Kevin Federlaine ?” see it’s funny because you’re implying this has happened before.
Best song for explaining poor sexual performance: “Limp” by Fiona Apple ?” and when you say “This has never happened before” you can be secretly refer to buying a Fiona Apple album with a straight face.
Best song for delaying a break up: “The Devil Glitch” by Chris Butler ?” yes, this song sucks, but according to the “Guinness Book Of World Records” it’s the world’s longest pop song. So it may be excruciating, but at least it’s long. Just like your relationship.
Best song for revealing you have an eating disorder: “Steady Diet (of Nothing)” by Fugazi ?” this is a retching, I mean wrenching, song.
Best song for explaining away “nocturnal emissions”: “Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me” by the Smiths ?” better than “Stuck On You” if you know what I mean.