You’re at the bar, possibly drunk and you’ve struck out at all attempts to prolong the evening with someone else. So what now? It’s time to go home and hit the hay, that’s what.
But how do you get there? The obvious choice is a taxi. Downside: it’s expensive. Upside: Taco Bell is one easy stop away.Here’s a list of alternatives:
TriMetPriced to move at $1.85, it’s hard to argue with the cost and convenience of Portland’s public transportation. Plus, you have the comfort of knowing everyone else is at least as drunk as you are, so they won’t notice you puking in your hands on the bumpy ride home. Besides the smell, there is another major drawback when using TriMet: service stops around 1:30 a.m., and some bus lines end even earlier. If last call is at 2 a.m., that’s roughly 30 minutes of lost drinking time. Bummer.Phone: 503-238-RIDE
LimoHave a large group, or an even larger ego? How about a lot of cash? If so, consider one of Portland’s many limo companies. Helpful hint: To look like a monumental asshole, you should consider the stretch Hummer.River City Limo Service: 503-336-5192
RollerbladesDo you not have friends? Do you wish the ’90s never ended? Looking to push the limits of irony? If you answered yes to any of the above questions, then rollerblades might be for you. You can pick up a pair at almost any thrift store for roughly $5. Be forewarned, though: You really don’t want to get a DUI for rollerblading. That would be very, very sad.
RideOn PortlandRideOn is a nonprofit company that offers a service for people who drive to the bar and get too drunk to drive home. For a measly $5, someone will ride a collapsible scooter to your car and drive you home.Phone: 503-235-7433
Bike TaxiPortland Rose Pedals offers a fairly new service to those traveling in the West or the inner-Eastside. For a fee cheaper than a taxi, you can enjoy fresh air while sitting in a rickshaw as a bike drags you around town. Not only is it stylish, but it’s also a green alternative to the regular taxi.Portland Rose Pedals: 503-421-7433
BikeAre you planning on having only one drink at the bar? Then your bike offers the cheapest and most efficient method of transportation. For any who fear a late-night ride or don’t know Portland’s bike routes, e-mail the Portland Bike Militia (pdxbikemilitia@riseup.net). The all-volunteer group is dedicated to bike community and safety, and will provide lights and a helmet if you don’t have them.
CHIERSYou can’t really plan to use this service, and it won’t get you home, either. But it will offer a warm place to stay with other drunken people. CHIERS is run by the Central City Concern, and it’s their job to clear the streets of the over-inebriated. The drunken end up in a facility on East Burnside Street. So if that’s near your home, and you’re broke and the buses are done running, then this option might be worth considering.