Ah summer, with its lack of homework and near nonstop barbecues and campouts, you would think the misery would never end. Looking for a great way to avoid the sun and watermelon seeds? Hollywood has you covered with a summer extravaganza of mostly bullshit movies.
Apatow clusterfuckYou Don’t Mess With the Zohan, Step Brothers and Pineapple ExpressRemember that summer oh-so-long ago (2007) when Judd Apatow only released two movies and everyone was aching for more jokes about the Internet and balls? Fear not, for this summer the man behind such classics as Superbad and Freaks and Geeks returns with three movies that may end all of our “When will Apatow fuck up and begin consistently making bad movies?” office pools.
The first of the trifecta is You Don’t Mess With the Zohan (June 6), starring Adam Sandler as an Israeli super agent who decides to start a new life as a hairstylist. A shoddy movie premise with former SNL star Sandler in the lead role? With the release of this movie I would say the odds are 6-1 for the Apatow ass-pile to begin this summer.
Wait, hold your bets, because one month later Step Brothers (July 25) arrives starring Will Farrell and John C. Reilly. These two comedy stars play two middle-aged strangers who become stepbrothers and are forced to share a bedroom in their newly married parents’ house. Adam McKay (Talladega Nights, Anchor Man) directs in what could be a promising movie or just another instance of editors packing a trailer with every funny part. Considering McKay is one for two on making good comedies, and that Farrell has become the Jay-Z of the acting scene (neither Kingdom Come nor Blades of Glory should have been bestowed upon this world), the odds have changed to 4-1.
But have you seen that trailer for Pineapple Express (Aug. 8)? It’s got that funny Seth Rogen in it. The critically acclaimed indie director David Gordon Green directs and the premise involves pot and guns. Odds? 1-1.
Franchises that refuse to stopThe Dark Knight, X-Files: I want to Believe, The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor and Star Wars: Clone WarsThe Decade of Sequels continues its rampage through theaters this summer, but the results this year don’t look as piss-poor as they have in the past.
First up is the Christopher Nolan-directed Batman movie, The Dark Knight (July 18). We all know Christian Bale is the best Bruce Wayne ever (sorry, George Clooney) and Nolan secured his spot with Batman Begins as the only director who should lay his hands on another Bat script ever again. There’s also Heath Ledger’s chilling portrayal of the Joker. This is the best reason to leave your house since that gas leak.
Someone queue up the creepy synths because the fast talking, big-word enthusiasts Mulder and Scully from the X-Files are back. In X-Files: I Want to Believe (July 25). Mulder continues his quest for the truth that ended with the TV series in 2002, and rumors are circulating via the Internet (do X-Files fans exist anywhere else?) that Mulder and Scully are finally going to do it.
Another sequel coming out is Mummy 3: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. I might be wrong, but didn’t this awful franchise fulfill its obligatory trilogy with the Rock-awful film, The Scorpion King? Why must Brendan Frazer continue to sully our once pristine memories of Encino Man?
Speaking of sullied memories, the next sequel coming out, the animated Star Wars: Clone Wars (Aug.15) makes me the most nervous. I know there’s a lot of pressure to make us forget Jar Jar and the rest of the tragedy know as the “prequels,” but judging from the fantastic cartoon series of the same name, this release might be up for the challenge.
Plain old shitty moviesHankcock and Get SmartIn Hancock (July 2), Will Smith plays a bumbling, alcoholic superhero that gets a PR agent to help his public image. There isn’t an advertising team good enough to convince me to get jiggy with this movie.
Steve Carrell, star of The Office, stars in Get Smart, a movie about a bumbling spy trying to save the world. You may have heard of this when it was called The Man Who Knew Too Little or Spy Hard. Someone needs to tell Carrell to quit while he’s ahead.