Chainsaws and naked women, anyone?

At the entrance, they warn you: There will be violence, nudity, perversion and gore.
“Are any of you pregnant or epileptic?” asked the woman at the door.

The group of five people giggled and shook their heads, no. They were about to enter the VII Deadly Sins Haunted House, run by Darkest Dreams Entertainment and proclaimed to be the No. 1 haunted house in the nation. Beyond the black curtains, there were screams and hammering noises. Equipped with one flashlight for the five of them, the group ventured inside.

The flier for this haunted house might give you a good feel for what to expect. A naked woman, arms tied overhead and bright red blood splattered over her torso, screams into a ball gag as a chainsaw lurches overhead. There’s a reason why the VII Deadly Sins is only open to adults.

Although you find a number of perverse, bloody and psychologically disturbing scenes, this maze of horror is disappointingly short. The walk through takes less than ten minutes, and when you reemerge from your short-lived terror, you are greeted by a bar with some impressive fire dancers and overpriced booze.

Next door sits another haunted house, run by the same folks at Darkest Dreams, only this one is all ages and it’s $10 cheaper. It’s called Alice’s Dark Wonderland. There are no warnings this time, only a request to turn off your cell phones. Yet the setting inside proves more frightening than the first, surrounding you with ugly animated puppets and dirtied actors who crawl after you on their hands and knees.

Darkest Dreams Entertainment is a locally owned company that’s been operating since 2004 and putting on haunted houses since 2006. Adult-themed haunted houses are their specialty. In addition, they perform other graphic and disturbing acts, such as blood wrestling, which consists of bikini-clad women wrestling in fake blood.

The company is determined to scare and they train their performers accordingly, touting “intensive psychological training, physical training and character development” over a period of four months, according to their Web site.

There’s no doubt that they’re good at what they do. More than a few screams escaped the mouths of customers who tiptoed through the haunted scenes. But the price is too high. Asking $20 a ticket for the VII Deadly Sins (plus $10 for Alice’s Dark Wonderland) is simply unwise in a city so full of starving students and unemployed youngsters.

Both haunted houses are open Thursday through Sunday every weekend this month. They might be worth checking out over Halloween weekend, when the place revs up for Portland Halloween Festival, equipped with fire dance troupes, costume contests and metal bands with great names like Heathen Shrine. In deciding whether to go or not, you could also factor in the fact that free lube and condoms are available at the bar. Don’t worry, they won’t tell your mother.

However, if you’d rather save your cash for the dumb amounts of alcohol you plan to consume on Halloween night, then you ought to at least check out the Web site for Darkest Dreams. If the gruesome pictures don’t make you cringe and get in the Halloween spirit, they’ll at least make you giggle.