Chilly Willy Sexytimes

No Sexytime writes:

On a night not long ago, I had sex with a man I’ve been friends with for about a year and the sex was just terrible. I didn’t feel like I was coerced, but the guy who is usually generous and empathetic in every other way was just…not in the bedroom. I can’t quite put my finger on why (maybe he watches a lot of porn?) he was so bad at it, but when I tried to help he got really embarrassed. Now he wants to hang out again and I kind of want to end the friendship. Do I owe him an explanation before I do so?

Heya Sexytimes,

There are three things I know about the bedroom. One is that you can’t eat s’mores in bed without getting ants. Two is that there are people allergic to certain lubricants, so water-based without heating is actually the best way to go. And three is that misogyny has no place in the land of sexytimes.

It seems like you want to apologize for this toolshed of a friend, but I say don’t. Male identifieds that have worshipped at porn’s altar don’t get better by suggestion, they get better by being told they were as effective as Ben Affleck in Gigli.

Now, all that being said, this smooth operator is probably gonna want more of your sweet, sweet loving and approaching that might be awkward for you. Perhaps he invites you over to listen to the full Prince LP? Tell him no. Maybe he says he has tickets to the zoo. Wash your hair that day. I give you these options because you really don’t seem to want to be honest and stick up for yourself. Which means the sex wasn’t just that bad, it was astronomically bad. It was Trey in Sex and the City bad.

Look, sex has complicated this friendship. I’m not saying sex with friends can’t go to a great place, but this is obviously a different basket of kittens. If you want to save yourself the hassle of charade, I would recommend inviting the guy out for dinner and using a variety of visual prompts and teleprompter cue cards, explaining exactly why the friendship is over and maybe he should stop watching lesbian porn and start watching gay male porn.

Hearts and Stars,
Your Advice Guru


Chilly Willy writes:

I feel embarrassed about this but I just can’t take it anymore. My co-workers are running me up the wall with all the teasing! I wear a lot of layers, even in summer, and partially it’s to hide my insecurity but also because the office A/C runs full blast at all times. At first, the jokes weren’t so bad and I thought they understood but now it’s verging on rude. What can I say to make them get the fact that what I’m wearing is none of their business?

Heya Chilly,

Oh dear. The office mistook your embarrassment for an episode of The Office. Let me guess, this is a family environment where you all go out once a year for the Dundees and your mildly racist boss owns a blow-up sumo suit and steals quotes.

The trick here so that you win is to not seem certifiable. They’re a little outlandish but I have two ideas, and only one is an idea of my own. Did you ever read the article about the woman at her new job who dressed up like Cookie from Empire so she would feel more confident in her new job and give her that fake it ’til you make it attitude? That would be your first Google search. Your second Google search (or Bing or Yahoo, I don’t know your life) is to see what the costume guidelines are for Mickey’s Not-So-Scary Halloween Party and grab some inspiration.

Dress up for the job you want, not the job you have. And if that means dressing up as Winifred Sanderson one day and Sebastian the crab the other, then I say namaste to your fashion sense. What other way will you learn to impress the what I’m assuming are eccentrically moustache-handlebarred members of your office community than committing to daily Princess Eilonwy cosplay?

Personally, I don’t see the issue with wearing a sweater and giving derisive, scornful glances or shooting USB rockets at people that want to tell me what to do. But what do I know? I telecommute and live in a city known for a unicycle-riding bagpiper who dresses like Darth Vader.

Like I always say, dress for the job you want, not the job you have.

Hearts and Stars,
Your Advice Guru