Cock-, shit-, bitch- and ass-free-television, Christian-style
Next time Ted Kennedy has you dragging the Potomac River nearCapitol Hill, you may come across some pretty strange characters.I’m not talking about junkies or sex-starved interns. I’m not eventalking about Bob Woodward. I’m talking about Christians. Pallid,glossy-eyed Christians who spend seven-and-a-half hours a day intiny cubicles, watching television and getting offended.
This is the Parent Television Council, the people who shape thepolicies enforced by the FCC and the people who would love nothingmore than to take away your right to socially unconscious, morallyreprehensible programming. I don’t mean just Regis and Kellyeither. They want it all. And that, to me, is some scary shit.
People in the United States are quick to offend. From nearlyevery political standpoint, every religious leaning and every walkof life, there is someone waiting to get upset about something.That’s the great thing about this country. We’re allowed to sayalmost anything we want to and, conversely, are offended by almostanything in almost every forum (except at political rallies -you’ll need to stay in the “free speech zone” there; the Presidentdoesn’t have time for your petty complaints).
“You get an advocacy group that purports to speak for a hugeaudience and they will have the members write you and the membershave heard what that association tells them is the problem,” FCCChairman Michael Powell told the National Association ofBroadcasters in response to the overwhelming email complaintsreceived on part of the PTC. “There’s a tendency in our system tofocus on the part making all the noise.”
The FCC initiates investigations and levies fines according tocomplaints. It works in a responsive role only, so groups like thePTC, who whine the loudest, get the most response.
Since a certain B-grade pop star showed a certaincosmetically-enhanced nipple during a certain Super
Bowl halftime show, things have been going pretty well for Mr.Bozell and his television watchdogs. According to the Los AngelesTimes, the PTC has gained 200,000 new members – and even beforeJanet’s wardrobe malfunction, their voices were being heard.
In 2000, commissioners received 111 complaints about 101 shows.Last year, they fielded 240,350 complaints, most of them about onlynine programs, all of which were targeted on the PTC Web site. WhenI visited the PTC homepage, I learned that although beingmalevolent, satanic, underage temptresses, Mary Kate and AshleyOlsen’s new movie, “A New York Minute” is A-OK for Christians,while the Emmy-winning FX police drama “The Shield” definitely isnot.
The upside is that, while the PTC is concentrating its effortsmainly on the major networks, cable TV continues to be a hotbed ofindecency. This, however, could be short-lived. Thanks to FCCderegulations, Clear Channel is on it’s way to owning every U.S.media outlet. And Clear Channel is nothing if not a decencypushover. They pulled Howard Stern from six markets last year,despite Stern’s epic ratings and ability to generate upwards of$100 million in advertising income.
Stern claims it’s because the company’s board is made up ofsupporters of make-believe-president George Bush, of whom Stern isa firm critic, but Clear Channel insists it is a simple case of themedia giant’s board being nothing but huge cowards.
The biggest problem here is that those of us on the left are toobusy feeding the homeless and caring for the sick to organizeourselves in the PTC’s fashion. Can you imagine the fines levied onFox News if we all emailed the FCC each time George Bush or DonaldRumsfeld were caught in a lie? Bill O’Reilly would have to sell akidney to pay for all of it.
But we have to act soon. If the PTC has its way, everything goodabout TV is going to disappear and we’ll all be stuck watchingSeventh Heaven instead of the O.C. And, poor me, I’m going to haveto drive all the way to that strip club on Sunset Boulevard if Iwant to get a good view of little Ricky Schroeder’s delicioussilver spoon, if you know what I mean. And I think you do.
