Crapholes about town

Suzie O’Connell’s Market
3039 S.E. Stark St.

The best inconvenience mart you’ll ever stumble around, SuzieO’Connell’s stocks 300 different brews from nether regions thatprobably don’t even allow drinking. Ever tried an $8 bottle ofbeer? Need a Ken Griffey Jr. epoxy-coated sports clock or brandnew, vintage porno still in the bag? Suzie’s your woman. You mightfind some Mogwai (don’t feed past midnight) if you dig deep (and onsale, mind you).

I reckon Suzie’s been dead as dirt for many years since therickety old store could double for the last western outpost of theOregon Trail. The market is now under the iron toe-fist of oneYoung Moon. This beautiful man indeed does have a big toe for aright thumb, not making this up. I don’t know that story, and I’mnot sure I want to. But Young is a jolly Korean Santa Claus,willing to bargain, barter and walk you across the street if you’refeeble, injured or limbless. That’s right.

This ain’t no Plaid Pantry.

Joe’s Place
1801 N.E. Alberta St.

I’ve never been in Joe’s Place. I’m pretty sure I’m not evenallowed in Joe’s Place. Has anyone ever been in Joe’s Place? Theusually bold BarFly ‘zine hasn’t. You’ve seen Joe’s out there innortheast, with the suspicious Mercedes/peace symbol on the red andblue sign. It’s the last bastion of the old guard/pre-gentrification Alberta, telling fools to “Go home, hippies.”Y’all hear that? Joe says go home.

Hal’s Tavern
1308 S.E. Morrison St.

This is a bum bar. If that is too insensitive, then it’s awatering hole for the almost homeless. There’s only one rule atHal’s: don’t hold your drink over the shuffleboard table. The placegoes goddamn bonkers if you break the dry table rule. You can doanything else – smash Christmas tree ornaments against the wall,wear a skirt on ladies’ night Tuesdays sans undies, purposely bendover to display the sausage Twinkie and still get dollar drinks.But don’t ever, ever play shuffle board with a beer in your hand.God forbid.