Daily Horoscope

Today’s Birthday (Sept. 22) Use your birthday to reaffirm your love of life. And ask yourself why you named your albino ferret “Life” in the first place.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – The editorial “we” does not apply in the statement, “we are the champions.” Consult “Elements of Style.”

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Instead of assuming that you missed someone’s last phone call, understand that they just didn’t call in the first place.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – You’ll get your comeuppance, Scorpio. Oh yeah, just you wait and see. Comeuppance!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – For the last time, the game of croquet does not involve defecating on your neighbor’s lawn.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – You are the Billy Crystal of astrological signs. And what has he done lately? Analyze that.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Even though you have the mustache, you are not a Texas Ranger.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – For the love of god, turn the water back on; and your phone while you’re at it. You have the money, Pisces, just pay the bills.

Aries (March 21-April 19) – Lock your doors, but stay outside.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Put down the long island iced tea and take off the sunhat. Summer is over.

Gemini (May 21-June21) – Waking up on your couch to the “Teletubbies” is not a reason to call your mother.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Cancer is a disease. So is crabs, you know? Has anyone called recently?

Leo(July 23-Aug. 22) – While one hand may wash the other, it usually doesn’t involve masturbation.