Today’s Birthday (Nov. 7)
Sometimes life throws you for a loop. Sometimes you realize that Santa Claus is not actually a real elf in red clothing, but in fact, your alcoholic uncle. Sometimes you realize he has a knife, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and is trying to cut his heart out of your quilt. If only it were as simple as calling your mother to drive you home.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Even if you are bull-headed, you’re no Ted Kennedy. Even after he drove his car into a lake and sent his date into the briny deep, he still managed to maintain both his drinking regimen and his political career. Taking up a dangerous habit like insulting the god of your youth while masturbating furiously may help you earn the title “masochist of all time” but not in the contest for “world’s most petulent human being.”
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Even Pac-Man gets the blues, Taurus, consider a new career. I hear that Heatmiser is looking to go on a reunion tour, and seeks a singer/songwriter.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Kicking the hell out of a postal collection box is not “going postal.” It’s actually quite lame. Drunkard.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Come on, Cancer. It’s not even December and you’re already hitting the eggnog and forcing your significant other to refer to you as “Santa’s little helper?” Didn’t you get the memo? Holiday pre-planning is so 1993. What, are you afraid you’re not going to find a Furby at retail for your niece? Get real, Cancer. Get real.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
The Federal Communications Commission recently laxed restrictions on the usage of certain purile words in the english language, depending on their context as purely pejorative. In english? Love it or leave it, the word “fuck” is here to stay.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
According to most conservative religious groups in the U.S., everytime you take part in a role-playing game, you’re ensuring your seat at the throne of Satan in hell. The good news? People love the “bad kids.” The bad news? You aren’t one of them.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
This just in: you didn’t win anything.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Whether or not it moves, you shouldn’t light it on fire.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Potato chips take pride in their thin, crispy texture. Your thin, crispy texture is merely bizarre. Nice try, though.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Writing various adjectives and pronouns on large posterboard and keeping them in the trunk of your car is not the same as “having words with yourself.”
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
It’s Friday, and I know what you’re thinking. The answer is no, my friend. The answer is no.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Dolphins don’t want to have sex with you, sicko. They don’t even like the way you wear your hair.
– Your Psychic Friend at the Vanguard