Today your Psychic Friend at the Vanguard has decided to break from the boring ho-hum tradition of predicting your future fate, and instead predict your future attire. Cast your costume-lovin’ eyes below to see what you will be.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Mario. He’s a short lil’ plumber with a bag of magic mushrooms. I know, it’s a real stretch.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Everyone knows you aren’t coming to their party, stubborn, stubborn Taurus. Why don’t you just cover yourself in chocolate ice cream the way you’ve always wanted to?
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Santa Claus. No one will get it, and you’ll love that, won’t you? Masturbator.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Mr. Spock. ‘Cause you know you want to. Nerd.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
’70s English professor. Tweed jacket, patched elbows, shaggy hair and a doob. Speak in a fake Oxford accent and recite horrible poetry you’ve written. Invite the “girls” back to your “pad” to “experience” a “far out” “world of pleasure.”
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Nudist. No, really. You’ll be great. Really.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Young Michael Jackson. We’re talking pre-pre-nosejob. Lil’ Michael Jackson. All you need is an afro, microphone and abusive father.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Groupie/roadie for Van Halen circa 1983. Duuuuude. Did you see Eddie wail last night? That was totally rad! I heard Gina finally got to David. This tour rules, man.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Gilligan. You’re always trying to avoid difficult questions at parties like, “Dude, where’s the bathroom?” and “Did I just puke on you?” Now you won’t have to since everyone born before 1987 knows that Gilligan was the stupidest of all stupid stupidheads. SKIPPER!
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Magic Eight Ball. Not only will you always have an icebreaker, but you can demand that people both rub your belly and shake you furiously. And you know you love that sort of thing. Dirty, dirty Capricorn.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Alcoholic. Drink, drink, shake. Rinse and repeat.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Burt, of television’s Burt and Ernie. Not only is he sexually frustrated and fixated on a fish (both traits that come natural to Pisces), but he is also made of discarded felt. Just like your mom.
– Your Psychic Friend at the Vanguard