Daily Horoscope

Today’s Birthday (Oct. 17)

Every birthday gil and boy deserves a tall glass of sweet, sweet liquor. It is your turn. Be prepared.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

A leg of lamb is not a prosthetic device. Remember this in the days to come.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You are not tall enough. You must buy elevator shoes tomorrow. Blue ones.

Gemini (May 21-June21)

Height means nothing. Your future as a success or failure will be determined entirely by your shoe size.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

It is good that you understand your superiority over the rest of the world. However, this will do you no good.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Sleep in. When you wake up, no matter how much you want to, do not tell anyone about your horrid dream. You sicko.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Neither is a ham. (See Aries.)

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Today is your birthday. Today is not your birthday. Only one of the previous statements is correct. Decide quickly.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

The simple fact that you are pure perfection does not mean that you will not get your comeuppance.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Cancel your membership to the “Porno-of-the-Week” club. Do not ask why, just do it.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Your lengthening hair may become evil. Comply.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You have been officially forbidden from molesting anyone. Even if they ask you nicely. Forbidden!

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You are a blossoming psychotic. Stop.

-Your Psychic Friend at the Vanguard