Today’s Birthday (Oct. 17)
Every birthday gil and boy deserves a tall glass of sweet, sweet liquor. It is your turn. Be prepared.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
A leg of lamb is not a prosthetic device. Remember this in the days to come.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You are not tall enough. You must buy elevator shoes tomorrow. Blue ones.
Gemini (May 21-June21)
Height means nothing. Your future as a success or failure will be determined entirely by your shoe size.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
It is good that you understand your superiority over the rest of the world. However, this will do you no good.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Sleep in. When you wake up, no matter how much you want to, do not tell anyone about your horrid dream. You sicko.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Neither is a ham. (See Aries.)
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Today is your birthday. Today is not your birthday. Only one of the previous statements is correct. Decide quickly.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
The simple fact that you are pure perfection does not mean that you will not get your comeuppance.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Cancel your membership to the “Porno-of-the-Week” club. Do not ask why, just do it.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Your lengthening hair may become evil. Comply.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You have been officially forbidden from molesting anyone. Even if they ask you nicely. Forbidden!
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You are a blossoming psychotic. Stop.
-Your Psychic Friend at the Vanguard