Today’s Birthday (Dec. 2)
Buy Hilton.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Bush appointed a new ambassador to Saudi Arabia-buy Hunt Oil.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Convert your finances to gold, bury it deep in the ground, and go far, far away.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Holiday season is upon us-buy any sugar- or alcohol-related stocks.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Buy TiVo-the head of the FCC called their product “God’s machine.”
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
The Senate rejected the Bush/Cheney energy bill-it’s now safe to invest in renewable energy.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
However, the Healthy Forests Restoration Act passed. Buy Weyerhaeuser.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
2004 could be an exciting year-buy Boeing, Lockheed, and Raytheon.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Sell anything Oregon-based. Oh, you already did?
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Sell your used underwear on eBay.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Buy Purdue Pharma. They make OxyContin, an amazingly effective painkiller.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Buy Texas Pacific Group.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Sell everything, washout.
– Your Psychic Friend at the Vanguard