While it seems that most Portlanders would rather bike down to the nearest house show to listen to the latest indie electronic Latin scream pianist, many desire a night out on the town now and again. Portland, known for its independent music scene, also boasts a surprisingly healthy club scene. But, like all good things, it’s got a dark side. Luckily, the Vanguard put on its sparkly minidress and 14-inch heels and did the dirty work for you, with only minimal time spent crying drunkenly in the streets. We trounced through the best—and worst—of Portland’s clubs. Here are some places to avoid and their much nicer, cleaner and cheaper alternatives.
Dirty 21+
35 NW Third Ave.
Have you ever wanted to grind your body up against a crusty metal pole? Have you ever wanted to do so in front of throngs of people? Then this is your kind of scene. For the rest of us, Dirty certainly works hard to live up to its name. The music is primarily Top 40 hip-hop, but the weekly trance and electronica sessions with internationally known DJs give the club some redemption. Sadly, Dirty has yet to realize that this kind of club ceased being popular in the ’90s when everyone ran out of money for coke.
Instead, try…
The Crown Room 21+
205 NW Fourth Ave.
What’s that faint wobbly, wubbly sound you hear in the distance? That’s the sweet sound of dubstep. The Crown Room, host of the weekly See You Next Tuesday event, brings in local and national talent to gently assault your ears with their amazing beats. Weekly music nights also bring in local trance, house and electro artists that mix it up for a guaranteed good time. Drinks are on the spendy side but, except for weekends, The Crown Room has no cover. Watch out for occasional open bar events and excellent music events.
Aura 21+
1022 W Burnside St.
Aura works hard to keep up its classy reputation. Two stories and scattered bars throughout the building make waiting in line for drinks much less of a hassle. Top 40 music is the sound du jour, but Aura also sneaks in alternative music. Sadly, the kind of crowd drawn to Aura resembles grown up versions of your high school’s popular crowd still trying to squeeze into their prom clothes. Drinks run on the heart-attack-inducingly expensive side, and, even with all the space, Aura still manages to get suffocatingly packed.
Instead, try…
Groove Suite 21+
440 NW Glisan St.
Tucked away in the deepest corners of downtown, Groove Suite is not your regular club. Often open far into the night, it’s the place to be if you don’t want your night to end. Open only four days a week, it always plays great music and has the right kind of feel for even the most anxious club-goer. There is no cover before 10 p.m., so getting there early can work to your advantage. The bar is…well…unusual to say the least. Those looking to slurp down an appletini-margarita will be sorely disappointed by Groove Suite’s meager selection, but those looking for a great time will fall in love with the relaxing atmosphere.
Barracuda 18+
9 NW Second Ave.
Trying to select an under-21 club is like trying to pick who you will vote for in the next presidential election—you usually end up picking the lesser of two evils. Barracuda is the terrifying evil twin of the 18-and-over nightclub scene. Women who go alone may often feel like they’re being put on display in a market, so bring a few friends if you’re looking to stop by. There’s a bar and VIP tables upstairs, but much is left to be desired when it comes to the beer and spirits selection. The dance floor is spacious, providing room for dancers to breathe, but Barracuda, like many of it’s patrons, just can’t overcome its creepy vibe.
Instead, try…
FX Nightclub 18+
823 SW Naito Pkwy.
Glowing neon go-go dancers covered in bubbles and paint? Yes please! FX works hard to make itself seem different and is great for those looking to take their underage dates out on the town. FX also features an upstairs bar for of-age visitors. It still retains a somewhat creepy vibe, but such is the world of underage dance clubs. Musicians from all over the world have been known to pop up at FX to play their sets, so keep your eyes peeled for upcoming international headliners.