Do nothing, get everything!

Used to be, when you signed your name on the dotted line it was a done deal. Contractual agreements, like treaties, were set in stone (unless you happened to be Cherokee). These days, however, things have changed, and no more need we be hidebound to staid old contractual agreements – just look at the machinations of infamous NFL player agent Drew Rosenhaus.

Rosenhaus represents the most players of any agent in the league and has received everything from death threats to calls for his exile because of his methods, exemplified by the behavior of two of his best-known clients, wide receivers Javon Walker and Terrell Owens.

Both players are holding out of training camp, sowing discord and trying to renegotiate valid contracts before they run out, often citing the need to feed their families.

Hey, $10 million just won’t go as far as it used to, and Rosenhaus’ argument is that if a team can terminate a player regardless of contractual agreement, players should also be able to renegotiate at any time, making the process a two-way street. Sounds reasonable enough.

I’ve been following the Rosenhaus story closely, because I’m a green-blooded Eagles fan who wants his big bird, Owens, back in the nest come September. I was mad at first, but then a creeping admiration began to dawn on me and, pow! I had it!

I’ve drawn up a detailed plan to use the Rosenhaus Method outside of the sporting universe, and I am pleased to be able to share some of it with you here. Following is a sketch of my plan, from the bottom up, to take over the city, legalize marijuana, ban clothed female athletics (except for lady sumo) and sow beautiful discord all over the fair, soggy environs of the northern Willamette Valley – or at least to get a free lunch or two.

1. At home

My lady wants me to do the dishes, my son wants me to cook dinner. Apparently those pages piling up over there are utility bills (so I hear – I never open them) and the trashcan is overflowing. I am unprepared to deal with all of this unless I get a new deal. I am currently holding out from attending mandatory dinners, bedtime reading sessions and dishwashing until my rent gets renegotiated. I’m shooting for $50 per month.

2. At school

I’ve already lambasted mandatory attendance [“Attend this,” Apr. 8]. Now it’s time to set the sights on homework. No more. It is ludicrous to expect that I go home, but still have schoolwork. Uh-uh. I spend at least two hours here a day, and if that’s not enough time to get everything done, the work is excessive. I’m holding out from doing any homework, papers, etc. until I am guaranteed at least an A minus in every class, retroactive three years, and I’ll expect a tuition refund within the fortnight, or there will be serious trouble come finals week. I’ve got a family to feed! I can’t be wasting all my time studying, for God’s sake!

3. At work

I’m having trouble finding summer work, so it’s time for a holdout. Why shouldn’t I be able to find something outside of 1 to 4 p.m. weekdays, evenings or weekends? I demand a job either at a record store, bookshop or Thai restaurant as product tester, from 10 a.m. to 12 p.m. weekdays, to be paid at a salaried rate of $1,500 per month. That should allow me to scrape by when combined with financial aid. Until such a job is proffered, I will arrive 1.5 minutes late to every job I now have, and leave two minutes early. Ha! That’s tellin’ ’em!

4. At tax time

Why should I be paying taxes to blow up folks I’ve never met, when I don’t have monthly stipends or cradle-to-grave healthcare? It’s just not fair, damn it, and I’m sick of writing those checks. I need only withhold my tax dollars until Potter, Kulon-fakepopulist-ski and Dubya give something back! I’m thinking, in addition to those benefits I listed above, of a nice house on the sunset side of Mount Tabor, or maybe a little bungalow in the West Hills, and a car. Nothing fancy, maybe a VW Eurovan or a new Mustang. And before I forget, the forgiving of my federal loans – I’ll need that too.

Oh yeah, there’s more but, like I said, this is just a sketch. You think I want you people stealing my ideas? Hell no! So, in short, what I’ve learned is, if you want something, just cross your arms, stamp your little foot, push out that lower lip and fucking demand it. Hell, it worked for OSPIRG, right?

Riggs Fulmer can be reached at [email protected]