The race for Portland mayor ended as soon as Oregonrepresentative Earl Blumenauer decided not to run. That left a hugepower vacuum. And parks commissioner Jim Francesconi’s nose wasjust large enough to fill the void. He’s got the money, he’s gotthe power, and he’s got the scary Mike Bloomberg-esque ideas forPortland. Francesconi claims he’ll get Portland “back on track.”It’s bad enough that that line has been used for every politicalrace in the history of this country, but even worse, we have noidea what “track” Francesconi is talking about. What we do know isthat we don’t want any part of it. While none of the othercandidates for mayor will win (Francesconi is more or less a lock),we can’t just let him run away with the win. We care too much aboutthis city. So this is our plea. Please vote for anyone butFrancesconi.
Phil Busse:
Pro:
1. Not Jim Francesconi
2. Swarthy, handsome exterior
3. Stargazing idealist
4. Affiliation with the Portland Mercury
5. Great-grandmother’s peach cream pie recipe (and candidatesexecution of said recipe) is excellent.
6. Support of Portland’s artist community.
7. Accused Francesconi of campaign fraud, launchinginvestigation
8. Willing to donate parts of salary to non-profitorganizations
9. Willingness to fake stances on issues
10. A thorough commitment to community involvement andrebuilding
Con:
1. Affiliation with Portland Mercury (and use of publication officefor campaigning)
2. Soon to be known as “Portland’s own Ralph Nader”
3. Stargazing idealist
4. Bizarre fascination with boats. (I mean, boats are cool. Theyfloat and everything, but is boating really a mayoral platform?It’s just kind of weird, that’s all).
5. Accused of the same campaign shenanigans that he has accusedFrancesconi of
6. Political outsider, most likely unable to accomplish much withexisting city council
7. Face can be seen between Real Estate ads at Cinemagic beforemovie
8. Totally preppy.
9. Support of “The Creative Class.”
10. His flatulent pit bull named Xiu Xiu. Sweet dog, smellyass.
Extremo the Clown
Pro:
1. Not Jim Francesconi
Con:
1. Stop honking at me from your goddamn art car. It was only kindof funny the first time in like 1993 or whenever. Whew, you totallyblew my mind dude. Now I’m questioning my bourgeois lifestyle. Wayto go, Extremo, way to go.
Tom Potter
Pro:
1. Not Jim Francesconi
2. Steadfast support of same-sex marriage
3. His unique position as a former Portland police chief, to revamprelations between Portland PD and the citizenry.
4. Keepin’ it real with the $25 campaign contributions.
5. His parental image to Portland politics gives him an air ofauthority that none of the other candidates possess.
Con:
1. His willingness to accept multiple $25 campaign contributionsfrom the same source flying under the radar of campaign financeregulations and undermining the intent of his contribution cap. Wethought you were “keepin’ it real,” Potsy.
2. Not as handsome as Phil Busse.
3. Potter’s plan isn’t clear. What, exactly, are hisintentions?
4. He’s totally old.
James Posey
Pro:
1. Not Jim Francesconi
2. Swears like a muthafucker, for reals!
3. No policy on boats (that’s just weird Phil)
4. He’s all for, like, trees and shit
Con:
1. Candidate’s stated intention to stop swearing like a muthafuckerwhen he takes office. We want a mayor that is proud to say”cocksucker”
2. Intention to waive taxes and fees for small businesses wouldcreate a loss of income that would fund social programs Poseyclaims to support.
3. His Web site is riddled with typos.
4. It’s hard to differentiate Posey form other candidates whoaren’t Jim Francesconi.
-From the Shivtastic desk of Shankdom