As if Americans needed more opportunities to revel in gluttony, Louis C.K. gave us an exciting new way to eat ourselves to shame with the Bang Bang. First introduced in episode 3 of Louie’s fourth season, the Bang Bang is the ideal way for you to get out there and eat until you feel like a sweaty piece of human garbage. The premise is simple: Louie and his brother eat an entire meal at one restaurant, then immediately go to another restaurant and eat a full second meal. One-two. Bang Bang.
This might sound like a disgusting way to punish your body. But it has its perks. If you can’t decide on Mexican food or sushi, don’t sweat it. You can have both. Pizza or Thai food? Why not pizza and Thai food? If this sounds like a gluttonous cop-out of decision making, you’re exactly right. Or maybe you’ve been struggling to actually start that diet? I’d recommend a Bang Bang. After a single Bang Bang, the shame from gastrointestinal pain and sweaty diarrhea will drive you to healthy living like no other.
Participating in a Bang Bang is simple. There are really only five steps:
1. Go to a restaurant.
2. Eat a full meal. Drinks and side dishes are highly encouraged.
3. Immediately go to another restaurant.
4. Eat a full meal. Drinks and side dishes are highly encouraged.
5. Don’t die.
If you’re looking for inspiration, here are some options for your own personal downtown Bang Bang adventure. Mix and match for maximum torture!
Pizza:
There are plenty of pizza options on or near campus, so you’re lucky enough to be able to pick your personal poison. Portland State has a Pizza Schmizza, Hot Lips and Pizzicato right on campus. While you might get better pizza at Hot Lips or Pizzicato, Schmizza has giant mighty mugs of beer—ideal for washing down the obscene amount of dough and cheese you’re forcing down your throat.
Mexican:
PSU is great for a few reasons, but the best reason is its plethora of mexican eatery options. And no, goddamnit, Chipotle doesn’t count as Mexican food and isn’t something you should consider for the Bang Bang (you’re already doing enough damage to your poor, poor body, so don’t punish it more than you have to). Chopollos, located in the food cart pod on SW 4th, is a stellar choice. And with the to-go option, you won’t have to worry about a room full of people watching you stuff your sad face.
Thai Food:
Baan Thai is the best thai food on or near campus and they make it goddamn spicy. It’s slightly more expensive than what you’d spend at the nearby food carts, but the $2–3 difference is definitely worth it. Most options run $10–15 during regular hours, but you can get nearly the full menu for under $10 during lunch hours
BBQ:
Mississippi’s Delta BBQ is damn good BBQ and is the BBQ you should be eating if you want to eat BBQ on your Bang Bang. The good news is that their cart is on the PSU campus right next to the library. The even better news is that you can get a large smoked beef brisket sandwich with coleslaw and sauce for only $5. So, hell. Get two. Or three. Just eat it until you hurt. It’s the Bang Bang way.
Diner:
With items like hamburgers with donuts for buns, poutine, and milkshakes with booze in them on the menu, The Original is the go-to diner for your Bang Bang. Just a quick hop on the MAX from PSU, it’s a solid stop to eat your way past a belt loop or two.
Ramen:
Just a quick walk over to 223 SW Columbia, The House of Ramen is a solid option for you to get your noodle on. Most options are under $10, and you can upgrade your order to a meal, which means a side of edamame and draft micro beer, for just $6.25 (but $5.75 if you want domestic).
Sushi:
Sushi options downtown aren’t as plentiful as one would like. I would recommend Bluefin Sushi on campus, but the last time I was there my order of tuna rolls came with a complimentary serving of gnats. It’s worth it to make a trip off PSU-proper and head to Sushi Ichiban, which boasts the best conveyor belt sushi near campus. Chef’s Specials range from $1.50–$2.50, so you have plenty of options for cheap, which is ideal when you’re looking to gorge yourself on a student budget.