Fall TV premier primer

Fall comes every year, bringing with it the changing of the seasons—striking colors tint the tree leaves, capturing the sun’s radiance before liberating themselves from their branches and falling to the barren earth.

But who cares about that crap? The only season we really care about is the one premiering inside, on your TV. Networks across the span of your cable package unloaded their fall offerings over the past month—all competing to get you to tune in and tune out.

Listing every show would be redundant and, frankly, we don’t have enough pages to do that. So here are the more noteworthy bids and dreadful efforts at making TV magic.

? ABC

ABC starts the fall season off by dropping the ball and yielding to the better programming of other channels. Most of its shows are different versions of the same shtick, from “Grey’s Anatomy” to “Private Practice”, or the never ending “Dancing with the Stars”, which proved this season that it has finally run out of “stars” to showcase. ABC does, however, include two worthwhile gems—”Castle” and the academy award-winning “Modern Family”—in its lineup, both returning for their second seasons.

? CBS

With a mixed bag of quality and crap, CBS rolls out its usual line of endless scientific crime-solving monotony, sparing a few enjoyable choices.

“How I Met Your Mother” teases fans with the possibility of revealing how Ted actually meets the mother. William Shatner enters the realm of sitcoms with “$#*! My Dad Says”—a decent attempt at comedy. Though under its guise of vulgarity, it is just a repackaging of the classic punch line format. Time will tell this show’s fate.

Of course, “Two and a Half Men” returned. Does anyone actually watch this show?! They are unloading piles of cash at these actors’ doors, yet I find no logic as to how or why this show continues. It’s like “Everybody Loves Raymond”—I’ve asked around and I still can’t find anyone who loves the guy.

Surprising many, the remake of the classic “Hawaii Five-O” did not tank. In fact, it was rather good. They didn’t try to modernize the famous “Hawaii Five-O” show tune along with the show itself—a nice touch. This one shows signs of staying power.

? CW

We still don’t know who “Gossip Girl” is while vampires are still sensitive and brooding. And Superman is still not Superman in “Smallville”.

The unsung hero of this teenybopper channel is the one show that has never fit into its format, “Supernatural”, one of the more enjoyable shows on television that nobody watches.

As an homage to the horror genre, “Supernatural” is more akin to a mini-horror movie that can be enjoyed by all. It was originally intended by its creator to last only five seasons. Now in its sixth season, its cult of fans is watching to see if it can stretch out its success for one more round of awesomeness.

? FOX

FOX brings it this season with a number of entertaining choices starting with “House”—our favorite ill-tempered doc—promoting a long awaited get-it-on with our favorite sexy hospital administrator. “Bones”, however,continues to toy with its fans continuing the tired they love each other but can’t be together story arc. Just let Bones and Booth finally (insert obvious pun here).

“Glee” resumes its love/hate relationship with viewers, remaining to be lovably sardonic and comical. But as always, just when you are starting to enjoy an episode, they start singing. Whereas once the musical scenes could be tolerable, they come off as unbearably cheesy this season.

“Running Wilde” is the notable new-kid-on-the-block for FOX this fall. Only filling 30 minutes of airtime, it packs in hilarity rivaling the great “Arrested Development”—and not because of the common actors, Will Arnett and David Cross, shared between them. Actor Peter Serafinowicz stands out providing some of the most cherished scenes as Fa’ad Shaoulian.

? NBC

NBC comes this fall with little fresh content to boast—but with its schedule, why would it need to? “The Office” did something it hasn’t done in a while—made people laugh—getting back to the formula that works best: More comedy, less drama. We can only hope they keep it up. “30 Rock” showed a strong return and has me wanting more already. Matt Damon’s cameo in the initial episode is priceless.

Everybody’s nerdy guilty pleasure, “Chuck”, went cameo frenzy starring everyone from Dolph Lundgren to Harry Dean Stanton—providing a nod to his character from 1984’s “Repo Man”. NBC’s other cult hit, “Community,” didn’t break stride from its first season and shows no signs of turning sour. And Parenthood is plain adorable—just watch it.

“The Event” was NBC’s big promotion this year—an obvious, and perhaps sad, attempt to fill the gap left by the now absent “LOST”. Seriously, they didn’t even try to hide the fact they pretty much stole their entire format from “LOST”—from jumping around various time frames to utilizing the same intense crescendo of sound to end one scene and begin the next. They will most likely be able to string this along for some time though, keeping people wondering who or what is left unexplained in every story line…just like “LOST”.