All things considered, we live in a damn beautiful city. There are mountains, rivers and a surplus of bridges. Sure it rains a lot but, you know, rain can be pretty too (or at least evocative).
Kids, our town should be in the movies. And it is, sometimes.
But for all you future filmmakers out there (and for all those who just want to live next to an awesome looking place), here are some locations that will make your drama sing. Just please, please, please make something better than Feast of Love.
1. Highway 99 on the way to Milwaukie
It’s a classic case of silver linings. You’re thinking: “God damn it, I have to go to Milwaukie.” Maybe it’s where you work. Maybe it’s where your grandma lives. Maybe you’re just a masochist. Whatever the reason, there is something wonderful about the trip and its 2-mile stretch of highway that zooms underneath a canopy of old-growth oak.
To get there, just drive south on 99 from Portland until you start cruising on one of the most scenic roads you’ve ever seen.
This spot could work at the end of a romantic comedy, post-marriage. Better yet, it could be the setting where a neo-noir protagonist finally figures out the meaninglessness of his existence.
See, Milwaukie is good for something.
2. Vista Bridge
This cement structure, located in the Goose Hollow neighborhood above Canyon Road, has been named a national historical landmark, and for good reason.
Its sub-gothic construction is classic, and the “vista” it offers of Downtown Portland is pretty much unbeatable. The alcoves built into the bridge are perfect for when your conversation needs more gravitas, and the minimal traffic makes for easy contemplation. I’m thinking it’d be a good spot for the third-act coda in one of those ever-present indie romances.
The best part though? After you’re done considering life, you can head down the hill to the Goose Hollow Inn for my favorite Reuben sandwich in the city.
3. Ross Island
I’ve never actually set foot on this island, but just driving by, the sandy beach on the northern tip looks like a good spot for a confrontation of some kind, or maybe as a hideout for a fugitive from justice.
Also, it could be the urban reserve of one of our famed yetis. New plan: Let’s rent some kayaks and see what trouble lies in the dirt of Ross Island.
4. The amphitheater at Woodlawn Park
This location, recently home to the oh-so-Portland-y Star Trek in the Park, is basically the perfect location for park-based theater. I can just imagine the Greeks of old telling their epics here.
As such, I think one of those meta-Shakespearean play-within-a-movie deals would find a decent home here. It helps that the park itself is one of the best in Portland, with picturesque landscaping and rolling green hills.
5. The Sandy Jug
At the time of its construction, this bar, located at 7427 N.E. Sandy Blvd., must have seemed like a good idea. It’s shaped exactly like a jug, and therefore benefits from a high novelty factor. It is, in fact, the most twee of strip clubs in all of Portland.
Since films need interesting locations, I could see the Jug as a Cheers-like building for an ensemble comedy, a la something Judd Apatow would do. Let’s call it The Jug, the funny-boned movie of the year!