Most people who watch TV will be watching the Super Bowl this Sunday. But what do you do if you don’t like football? You could read a book, I guess. Or exercise. Or play the guitar. Or do something of value to society. But none of those activities really lend themselves to nacho eating. And everyone loves nachos.
I suppose you could watch a movie, but then you’d lose out on the only shared cultural experience our great nation has anymore. No, TV (as always) is the final answer. And its never-ending bounty has provided some great alternatives to this year’s traditional pigskin money parade.
Here are my top five TV alternatives to the Super Bowl.
1. Puppy BowlStarts at 3 p.m. on Animal PlanetIs there anything better than a puppy? How about a whole bunch of puppies all playing together in a giant room? I know what you’re thinking, “Something that cute would explode the universe,” but alas, YOU ARE WRONG! Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl is the sweetest of all cuteness nectars, and now in its fourth year, it promises to bring a whole new level to the puppy bowl arena: high-definition television. For the cat fanciers, there will also be a kitty-based halftime show. What happens in the Puppy Bowl, you ask? I have no idea! But I do know this: puppies are cute, linebackers are not.
2. Death Wish marathonAll day on AMCIs the simulated war game of football a little too light for you? Maybe you want to see some motherfuckers get killed? That’s really my problem with football. There isn’t enough death. Luckily, AMC has the answer: an all-day-long Death Wish marathon! The story of all the films in the series goes something like this: Charles Bronson is badass. He also has a gun. Putting two and two together, he decides to kill some dudes. Other dudes are not pleased. Action ensues. The end. If you like your movies straightforward, action-packed and filled to the brim with Charles Bronson, eureka! You’ve found TV heaven.
3. My Big Breasts and MeStarts at 6 p.m. on BBC AmericaThis titillating-ly titled documentary about tits (see what I did there?) promises to have many British women complaining about their oversized breasts. And I’ll be honest: I haven’t seen this show. But if it’s anything like the other films in BBC’s documentary series, it will be a little sad and a little weird. The vast majority of human beings don’t struggle with this problem, so if you watch this, it will probably make you uncomfortable.
4. MythBusters marathonAll day on The Discovery ChannelThe myths will never end! At least The Discovery Channel hopes not. Hosts Jamie and Adam lead this wildly popular show about finding the truth behind modern myths. For some reason, this usually just means they blow something up and say “Myth busted!” So, perfect scientific process this show is not. But MythBusters is a fun watch, and it seems smarter than it really is–which is probably the secret to success. If you make idiots feel smart, the money rains from the sky.
5. When Animals Attack! marathonStarts at 3 p.m. on Spike!In marked contrast to my love of puppies is my love of animals mauling humans. It’s even better if the mauling is caught on video. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t necessarily wish humans ill-will, but there’s something amazing about seeing an animal act with intense rage out of instinct. It’s really kind of breathtaking.