From Shiv to Shank
Portland Mayoral Primary Showdown:
We at the Shivtastic Desk Of Shankdom were able to track downsome of the many mayoral candidates from last Tuesday’ s primaryelection to see their initial responses to the unexpectedresults.
1. Tom Potter, elated by his surprise victory with a whopping41% of the vote, raised his individual campaign contributions froma steadfast $25 to a gluttonous $100. When asked about the suddeninflation, the former police chief quipped, “Hey, I’m a big moneycandidate now. These pores don’t clear themselves, people. AndAveda facial cream is expensive. It’s a bling-bling world outthere.”
2. Jim Francesconi, the Portland Business Alliance’s”million-dollar boy,” consoled himself late Tuesday evening afterPotter’s vicious upset by buying himself a $700,000 cheeseburger,no bun.
3. When asked about his recent failure in the primary election,former mayoral hopeful Phil Busse responded by phone from aboard aseafaring vessel, “What are you taking about? Failure? When you’rePhil Busse, you’re always a winner.”
4. James Posey’s sole response to the day (or possibly thequestion) was simply, “Cocksucker.”
5. Yet overall, the most melancholy of all the mayoralcandidates was Extremo the Clown, who came out of left fielddriving a two-story art car only to finish eighth in the race. Infact, everyone at Extremo the Clown’s mayoral headquarters was sodistraught by the results that they put on their sad clown facemake-up.
• George W. Bush, war president and avidvacationer, took an unexpected vacation when he fell off of hismountain bike while taking a ride outside of his Texas ranch lastSaturday. Bush was okay, only suffering minor abrasions on his armsand chin due to the helmet and face guard he wore while biking, buthe vowed to add the Earth, that longtime Bush detractor and activeeco-terrorist, to his Axis of Evil. “Maybe it is just the headinjury talking,” Bush was overheard saying to the secret serviceshortly after his spill, “but I have known that Evil spins on anAxis for quite some time now. I don’t why I didn’t put thistogether before. Now shoot the ground, boys.”
• Last Wednesday, the General Accounting Officeruled that a P.R. spot issued by the Bush administration supportingtheir new Medicare plan was in fact a form of “covert propaganda,”and therefore illegal. Immediately following the announcement, Bushsent Vice President Cheney to the General Accounting Office tohypnotize the investigators with his cold, werewolf-like stare andsubliminal heartbeat.
• On Monday, the U.S. decided to destroy AbuGhraib, the site of the now infamous Iraqi abuse scandal, andreplace it with a U.S.-funded multimillion-dollar prison complex.Well, it just goes to show you, if you can’t sweep something underthe rug, why not demolish it off of the face of the Earth? No wordyet on when this policy will be enacted in Baghdad, Kabul,Fallujah, the entire nations of Afghanistan and France, and theWest Coast.
• A Shiv from the Future: President Bush’sapproval rating dropped from 38 percent to a mere 14 percent afterhis primetime speech Monday evening interrupted syndicated rerunsof “Friends” nationwide. Subsequently, presidential candidate JohnKerry gained three points in the polls after he publicly announcedthat he indeed “missed Chandler.”
shiv (shiv) n. [Romany chiv, blade; later Prison Slang]a knife, esp. one used as a weapon, or formed by the sharpening ofa spoon.
shank (shank) n. 1. a projection or wire loop on somebuttons that which they are sewn to fabric. 2. [Prison Slang] aknife, esp. one formed by the sharpening of a spoon.
