From Shiv to Shank
*Alberto Gonzales, an ethical sadist and President Bush’s appointee for U.S. Attorney General, avoided questions from a bipartisan panel of senators during his confirmation hearing on Thursday. Gonzales is aptly credited with crafting the White House’s legal opinion to give the finger to international standards of human rights, an opinion that lead to the Abu Ghraib prison scandal. Familiar with "aggressive interrogations," Gonzales kept his cool as the Senate panel grilled his ass, and is expected to be confirmed. "That was nothing," Gonzales said after the hearing, while walking his pet human. "An interview is not an interview without a wee bit of organ failure. Know what I mean? Wink wink. Nudge nudge."
*After reluctantly committing to tsunami relief, President Bush sent Florida Governor Jeb Bush and exiting Secretary of State Colin Powell, both of whom he refers to as "bro," to survey the devastated areas. "This is just horrendous," Powell stated. "The conditions are deplorable. I’ve never seen such rampant loss of life and widespread economic disaster. The bodies keep mounting, and it’s going to take at least 10 years to sort this thing out. What a catastrophe." Reporters were saddened when they realized Powell was talking about his job.
*Speaking of tsunami relief, New York Post reporters who believe in the sanctity of Hollywood marriage were shocked this weekend when Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston announced they were separating. The unusually attractive couple everybody was hoping would make it released a public statement indicating that the breakup was amicable and that they remain loving and caring friends. However, Hollywood insiders (the freakish Angelina Jolie) have speculated the reason for the parting was that Aniston wouldn’t do anal.
*While mounting a campaign against Higher One, ASPSU neglected to inform students of PSU’s drastic changes to student dental coverage that occurred in October. The resulting omission left thousands of uninformed students, who had made erroneous appointments with former provider Willamette Dental, shit out of luck. While this may seem shortsighted, you can hardly blame these caped crusaders, for student health doesn’t cover vision.
*Mahmoud Abbas was elected Palestinian president in Sunday’s historic election. Abbas, who wants to resume peace talks with Israel, won the vote by 62 percent. Political analysts at the Shivtastic Desk of Shankdom are certain that in the wake of Palestine’s first real election, a real country can’t be too far behind.
*During a joint session of Congress, Democrats challenged Ohio’s 20 electoral votes for President Bush’s re-election total, citing widespread fraud and irregularities in the Buckeye State. The challenge forced Congress to recess the joint session and hold separate debates upon the irregularities as required by law. While Republicans grumbled about delaying the inevitable, the dissenting Democrats were quick to remind their conservative brethren that Congress was NOT the Electoral College – there are rules here.
*Speaking of rules: On Tuesday, the new and improved, bigger, fatter and more pissed off Republican-controlled House started its new session. First thing on the morally superior majority’s list? Destroying the House ethic rules, so Majority Leader Tom Delay could retain his sweet seat, even in the wake of some very, very minor illegalities that surfaced last fall. Unfortunately for Delay, the boys in red decided to keep the long-standing code of honor intact, as congressional Republicans mistakenly thought they were voting on the House ethnic rules, which, of course, they are quite happy with.
*In Washington (State), where every vote counts, Democratic gubernatorial candidate Christine Gregoire was finally declared the victor just weeks before the inauguration. In an election that has seen two recounts and three outcomes thus far, Republican candidate Dino Rossi says he will not concede the contested race until it is settled by the time-honored democratic tradition of rochambeau.
*USA Today reported that the Bush administration paid columnist Armstrong Williams $240,000 of taxpayer money to promote its education policy, which is, of course, illegal. After hearing the news, syndicated columnist Robert Novak released a statement saying that he felt like a "cheap whore."
*Forty years after the fact, Edgar Ray Killen, a 79-year-old racist and hooded coward, was arrested for the 1964 murders of three civil rights activists, James Chaney, Andrew Goodman and Michael Schwerner. Killen, a Baptist preacher and former Ku Klux Klan leader, is expected to die of old age some time before his trial. Upon his arrival in Hell, he will constantly have his intestines ripped out through his nostrils by a gang of anal-probing imps. Following a slow castration, he will then have his limbs amputated with a rusty spoon, while he watches "Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner" for eternity. It’s too bad the fucker will get off so easy.
