From Shiv to Shank

*Last week, scientists published the first unequivocal link between man-made greenhouse gases and global warming, alerting a concerned world community to the urgency of the global warming phenomenon. The Bush administration, longtime advocate of "intelligent design," responded, "The science of global climate change is still in dispute. And gravity is for nerds."

* Ruud Lubbers, high commissioner of the United Nations in charge of refugee aid, has resigned his post amid renewed sexual harassment allegations. The skanky Dutchman defended his actions claiming, "It is common knowledge that I’m a Lubber, not a fighter."

*James Guckert, better known as "Jeff Gannon," the fake newsman who lobbed softball questions at President Bush for three years as a faux member of the White House Press Corps, while mysteriously never being fully credentialed as a reporter, has again rocked the Beltway. Not only has Guckert/Gannon been outed as a fake reporter, but also as a gay prostitute who offered his professional services via the web for a measly $12,000 a weekend. While this proves Jim/Jeff’s only sense of objectivity applies to his own body, more important is that he’s the first known White House Corps reporter to take it up the ass for money, surely explaining that whole WMD thing.

*Blockbuster Video has been sued by the great state of New Jersey for false advertising after examinations of the company’s "no late fees" policy showed that, in fact, late rentals do result in additional fees. Taking a page out of Wal-Mart’s playbook, Blockbuster has closed State Attorney General Peter Harvey’s account and is charging him $79 for a copy of "Shrek 2" that was not returned.

*Paris Hilton’s cell phone was hacked and the contents of her celebrity address book were placed upon the web for mere peasants to gawk at. The cantankerous heiress, known for her family’s wealth, responded to the incident appropriately enough, saying, "I haven’t felt this violated since I ran into the Olympic Men’s Basketball team in the lobby of the Hard Rock Hotel. That was, like, hot."

*Eastside Portland Police have launched "Operation: Tired Of Tweakers" in an attempt to curb what would appear to be rampant meth abuse in the neighborhoods surrounding the only Portland Wal-Mart. After reading every Sunday Oregonian for the last few months, the officers involved with the operation explained the reasons for the crackdown as an increase in home invasions, identity theft, a sharp jump in the sale of horse saddles and known instances of jibber-jabber followed by bouts of spontaneous cleaning.

*A series of secret taped conversations from 1998 involving future President "Walker, Texas Ranger" Bush have surfaced in which the president, unaware of the taping, admitted to smoking marijuana. He said he has chosen to keep mum concerning the dank devil weed so as to not set a bad example for children. Following this rationale, presidential historians pondered why the first 12-step president invaded countries for no reason, sanctioned the use of torture in interrogations, cut down forests, spent millions of "taxpayer" dollars on creating and distributing propaganda, abandoned education, buddied up to corporate America, silenced debate amongst his fellow citizenry, ballooned the national debt and openly encouraged the continued institutional oppression of homosexuals, when he is not supporting the faux career ambitions of a gay prostitute for over three years.

*Over the weekend, high school seniors with recreational drug habits mourned the loss of the infamous gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson. Thompson, 67, was found dead on his farm compound outside of Aspen, Col. after apparently pulling a Hemingway. The inebriated author’s suicide only proves what many had thought for years: the only thing that could kill Hunter S. Thompson is Hunter S. Thompson, not drugs, that shifty-eyed Nixon or even that bastard God.