From Shiv to Shank
One of the nicest things about working for a college newspaperis the gift of premonition. This said, we at the Shivtastic Desk ofShankdom have decided to share with you, dear readers, the gift ofthe future: From June of 2005, the two parallel realities of theUnited States, depending on which candidate won this presidentialelection.
•George W. Bush names Arnold Schwarzenegger Vice President ofthe United States after Dick Cheney dies multiple times frommultiple heart attacks over a series of months. Reportedly, RudyGiuliani was “hurt” by the decision.
•People begin to question the validity of Bush’s “AmericanOpportunity Zones” when the death count inside reaches sevenmillion.
•The Bush Administration claims the “era of ownership” asuccess after it is reported that Miles Edilbaum, a third graderfrom St. Louis, has written “MINE” on every damn thing in town.
•President Bush makes good on his promise that the tax codebe made simpler for taxpayers by racially dividing it.
•People stop protesting the war in Iraq, not because it isover, but because the new conflicts in Syria, North Korea,Palestine, Iran and France seem more pressing.
•Voters were shocked when President Kerry made good on hiscampaign promise to hunt down and kill terrorists, especially whenhe did so with his bare hands from inside of a cage onPay-Per-View.
•While unlimited access to stem-cell research did help curemany deadly diseases, some people were disturbed by the research’ssuccessful regeneration of Christopher Reeves, who is now fiftyfeet tall and charged with leveling downtown Wichita.
•Young people were perplexed when, after taking up Kerry onhis National Service for College Tuition plan, they foundthemselves working in a Heinz Ketchup factory in Malaysia, learningthe 57 varieties of hard labor.
•People in the United States are infuriated when theKerry-Edwards plan to import cheap prescription drugs from Canadaturns out to be half-racks of Labatt’s.
•Kerry forgoes his vow to end the war in Iraq and insteadfocuses his attention on that ongoing conflict in Vietnam.