From Shiv to Shank

•Outside a Florida Wal-Mart, electronic voting startedMonday in the Sunshine State. Some residents were angered that theycould not hit the ATM-style machines with alligators, but mostFloridians seemed pleased with the new technology that doesn’tallow for recounts. “It’s idiot proof,” a voter told the AP aftertesting it out, which doesn’t explain why President George W.Bush’s name is still on the ballot.

•Democratic congressman David Wu took a moment out of hisbusy re-election campaign to publicly apologize for attempting tosexually assault his ex-girlfriend while he was a student atStanford University, 28 years ago. The forceful Wu went on to saythat he attended counseling after the unfortunate incident and nowsublimates his urge to sexually assault his constituency into morepositive activities, such as masturbation and bungee jumping.

•Last Wednesday, 18 U.S. Army reserve soldiers stationed inNorthern Iraq refused orders to drive a dangerous fuel convoy intheir unarmored vehicles, calling the route a “suicide mission.”The lack of armoring is only one of the things plaguing thesoldiers in Iraq today. That and, you know, not having a reason tobe there.

•Sinclair Broadcasting Group has ordered its 62 affiliatetelevision stations to suspend primetime programming to air theanti-John Kerry film, “Stolen Honor: Wounds That Never Heal.” Afterthe FCC declined to stop the broadcast, the Democrats have tried toportray the airing of the film as a campaign contribution to theBush/Cheney ticket that would exceed legal limits. “A campaigncontribution?” a Sinclair executive said under conditions ofanonymity. “If this is our campaign contribution, then why have Ibeen giving Cheney so many handjobs?”

•Oregon Secretary of State Bill Bradbury has condemned apolitical mailer produced by a Yes on Measure 35 group thatresembles the official Oregon Voter’s Pamphlet yet only containedpro-35 propaganda. This underhanded tactic marks the most deviousthing the proponents of Measure 35 have done since they proposedthat Measure 35 would lower malpractice premiums.

• A report issued Friday by a National Institute of Healthpanel concluded that boot camps and other get-tough youth programsfor juvenile offenders do not prevent criminal behavior but insteadmay make it worse. In fact, it has been suggested by researchersthat graduates of these programs are more organized criminals:militant, ultra-violent, hell-bent on the destruction of Westernsociety, with a taste for human flesh and the ability to see in thedark. And now they’re loose. Thanks a lot, Maury Povich.