Get Scared

You walk through the halls of a mental asylum (black pressboard smeared with red paint), staring at hanging dismembered limbs (rubber) until “Ahh!” a satanic monster emerges from the darkness (teenager in a $10 costume). Repeat ad nauseum.

Such is the experience of most modern haunted houses. It’s a world of bad actors, long lines and that weird smell that comes from the mixture of fake blood and body odor. It’s a world most sane people choose to avoid.

But if you are a masochist and love the thrills only a haunted house can give you, then you are in luck. There are plenty to choose from. This year the Portland area is awash with Halloween attractions–some scary, some irritating, all pricey.
Do you hate dropping $20 for a few minutes of cheap scares courtesy of teenagers with nothing better to do than lie on the ground in darkness for hours at a time?

The Vanguard is here for you. We have assembled a crack team to traverse some of the most popular haunted houses (and a few other Halloween-y attractions) and let you know which to avoid and which to check out this Halloween season.

Vanguard Paranormal Investigators

The hard-ass (Ed Johnson): For the hard-ass, no scare is enough. In order to be frightened, the haunted house would have to present real danger and more importantly, real monsters.
 
The ambivalent (Stover E. Harger III): Neither overly weak nor overly tough. They are the average haunted house visitor.

The scaredy cat (Katie Kotsovos): Scared of most anything. The scaredy cat will jump at the slightest noise, even the sound of their own cough.

Hysteria City
Scare-o-meter: *
Location: Clackamas Town Center
Price: $20
Website: www.hysteriacity.com

To the point: What do you find scarier? Fake satanic rituals or real live meth-heads? If you answered meth-heads, then Hysteria City will haunt your dreams.

The hard-ass says: “Exactly how I imagine a haunted house run by meth-heads and juggalos would be. Shitty, but with a scary, slightly unhinged, edge.”

The ambivalent says: “Insane Clown Posse clones practicing backyard wrestling moves just a few feet from you while death metal music plays is scary by definition, but unfortunately that disturbing image is as scary as Hysteria City got.”

The scaredy cat says: “They were scariest when they were throwing each other around in the parking lot.”

Don’t be surprised if, when you show up to Hysteria City (not that you should go), you are greeted with an empty parking lot and a staff that is a little too dedicated to making you uncomfortable.

All you need to know about Hysteria City is that the haunted houses are mostly run out of trailers–seriously. It’s like a bunch of carnies got together and decided to start a traveling haunted house show. And there are clowns that look suspiciously like juggalos (Insane Clown Posse loyalists) slamming each other into the cement and port-a-potties. I’m pretty sure that wasn’t part of the show. These people are just really that stupid.

Each of the four haunted houses, like The Slaughter House and Aliens Revenge, consisted of nothing more than poorly decorated hallways and chain link fence mazes.  Someone should tell them that when you can see the end of a haunted house the scares are pretty much null and void.

The most frightening aspect of Hysteria City isn’t the fake monsters, it’s the feeling that the unwashed and insane staff will stab you and steal your wallet.

One positive note: Hysteria City features a real live (and cloaked!) death-metal band playing in the middle of the Slaughter House, which is a very inspired and rocking addition.

Fright Town
Scare-o-meter: ****
Location: Under Memorial Coliseum in the Rose Quarter.
Price: $20, or $15 with a coupon available from www.frighttown.com
Website: www.frighttown.com

To the point: Sometimes mediocre and sometimes terrifying. Fright Town has dwarves and guys on stilts chasing after you. Height extremes are always frightening.

The hard-ass says: “Well designed and well acted. I wasn’t particularly scared, but I was highly entertained.”

The ambivalent says: “By the time a possessed girl crawled out of the refrigerator, I was ready to use the emergency exit. Although I would never admit that out loud.”

The scaredy cat says: “If I had to go into the Asylum again I would cry.”

Fright Town has what most haunted houses in Portland lack–pure unrelenting horror. Beneath the Memorial Coliseum, this collection of three haunted houses gives you a good assortment for your money.

There is Baron Von Goolo’s Museum of Horrors, full of weird sets and threats of anal probing, The House of Shadows, with scary deranged rednecks hiding in the walls, and The Asylum, which must be one of the best designed and terrifyingly effective haunted houses in the area.

Baron Von Goolo’s Museum of Horrors and House of Shadows each have their own positive qualities, but The Asylum is the centerpiece and should leave even the most un-spookable person in your group whimpering and wetting their pants. The real actors at Fright Town add to the enjoyment.

13th Door
Scare-o-meter: *** 1/2
Location: Washington County Fair Complex, 873 NE 34th Ave. in Hillsboro
Price: $10 Sundays and Thursdays, $13 Friday and Saturdays
Website: www.13thdoor.com

To the point: The sheer size of the haunted house makes up for its lack of a cohesive theme. And having to brush past hanging dead pigs with their throats cut is about as badass as a haunted house can get.

The hard-ass says: “14 year olds in zombie makeup aren’t scary. Sorry kid, go back to third period drama class.”

The ambivalent says: “It had running zombies, monsters in cars and fake dead pigs. A good mix of light and heavy scares.”

The scaredy cat says: “Kind of scary. I never knew what to expect because of all the different sets we walked through.”

While most haunted house attractions give you a variety of small houses to walk through, 13th Door gives you one giant open-air haunted house. This is not a bad thing.

The variety that other attractions have is basically just variations on scary clowns, the insane and pirates–it starts to get repetitive. 13th Door doesn’t bother with heavy-handed stories about satanic rituals and just concentrates on entertaining and scaring you the old fashioned way–mainly by having actors run at you from out of nowhere.

What seems like a Road Warrior mixed with Night of the Living Dead theme, the scares at the 13th Door aren’t as unrelenting as other houses, but at times they feel more earned because the actors crawl in mud and jump out of cars with a refreshing enthusiasm. It suffers from a short walk-through time, but if you are on the Westside it’s worth checking out.

Scream at the Beach
Scare-o-meter: ** 1/2
Location: 1802, Jantzen Beach Center
Price: $20 for access to all 4 haunts, $6 per single-house ticket
Website: www.screamatthebeach.com

To the point: Good variety, but overall an underwhelming experience. The haunted houses are full of teenage monsters that think bad 1980s pop songs are scarier than screaming.

The hard-ass says: “The people trying to scare me should really hide before screaming. Also, ‘Yarr! I want rum’ is never a terrifying phrase.”

The ambivalent says: “What scares me more than the mentally deranged or killer clowns are 12-year-old couples awkwardly groping each other, something that Scream at the Beach has in excess.”

The scaredy cat says: “This isn’t a bad option if you scare easily, because it doesn’t take you too far out of your comfort zone.”

Scream at the Beach has the most variety of the haunted attractions we visited, but suffers in the quality department. The place was overrun by teenagers, both as monsters and visitors. For better or worse, Scream at the Beach feels more family friendly then the other haunts out there and wouldn’t be a bad night out for a large group of people.

Scream at the Beach extends the clown and carnival theme with a real live carnival. It has rides, corn dogs and a bored, fat, Freddy Kruger.

It seems that the makers of Scream at the Beach were more interested in creating inventive sets and gimmicks then actually scaring anyone. Some of these gimmicks work, like “The Squeeze,” which forces you to walk through an inflatable tunnel while the walls push in. Others, like the giant robot pirate, don’t work as well (it looks like something out of a GWAR concert, sans giant penis).

Be prepared for long lines and lots of yelling kids, but for the price and number of things to look at and do, Scream at the Beach may be the best bet for your money. It’s like a Chinese buffet–the food might not be good and it might make you vomit, but there sure is plenty of it.

Davis Graveyard
Scare-o-meter: **
Location: 8703 SE 43rd Ave in Milwaukie
Price: Free
Website: www.davisgraveyard.com

To the point: You know those people who insist on filling their yard with a giant inflatable Santa and other X-mas paraphernalia each year in December? This yard is like that… but evil.

The hard-ass says: “This house screams…‘Hi! We’re attention whores!'”

The ambivalent says: “Like waiting in line at Disneyland’s Haunted Mansion and then being turned away at the door.”

The scaredy cat says:  “It’s an impressive yard display. It would have been scarier to walk through.”

The Davis Graveyard is impressive for what it is. Apparently this Milwaukie family has been decorating their yard with tombstones, a fake cathedral and ghosts since the late ’90s and it has become a pretty popular Halloween season destination. That’s probably because it’s free.

This is not your average half-assed yard display. The Davis Graveyard is packed with projected ghosts, funny tombstones and creepy noises. It only takes a few minutes to look at, but the amount of work put into the yard is remarkable.

It’s perfect for visiting if you live in the area or are on your way to a Halloween party. For everyone else, you won’t miss out on much if you skip it.

Glowing Greens
Scare-o-meter: **
Location: SW 5th and Taylor, Downtown
Price: $8.50, kids ages 7-12 $7.50, kids under 6 years old $5
Website: www.glowinggreens.com

To the point: As scary as a putt-putt course can ever be… which is to say, not at all.

The hard-ass says: “I felt like I should be having a pizza party on my sixth birthday.”

The ambivalent says: “A well-decorated, but essentially unchallenging mini-golf course. The only thing difficult about it was trying not to trip while wearing those vision distorting 3-D glasses.”

The scaredy cat says: “The golf course wasn’t very challenging, but it would probably be really fun for kids.”

A Halloween attraction in look only, this pirate themed 3-D mini-golf course has been open since the summer, but you might have missed it since it’s hidden under the Hilton Executive Tower.

It might be better that way. The course doesn’t feature any of the things that you would expect from a putt-putt course like motorized windmills and…well I guess that’s the only thing people expect from putt-putt courses.

Don’t go if you expect scares in your Halloween entertainment or want a difficult golfing experience. The 3-D is very disorientating which means you will probably trip and hurt yourself. Ohhh! Sprained ankle…spooooky! Still the design is intriguing and there are some inventive aspects to the normally straightforward game.