God Wars

Jehovah strikes backBy: God

Shalom, My children. One afternoon, I happened across an alarming column in Portland State’s Vanguard. In their most recent writing, the young Hebrews Henry Kraemer and Michael Schocket have sinned against My name. Through their sadistic “[Any of their columns, really],” these little heathens have decried My name and My glorious creation. I’ll level with you: I’m two steps away from going Sodom and Gomorrah on their hippy asses.

I haven’t been so pissed since Eve ate My apples. I swear to Me, when I chose the Jews as my people, I never thought that those two subversives would turn on me. If I expected this kind of abomination, I’d have had Kraemer and Schocket’s pasty-white asses wandering the desert.

For one, what shitty writing. They had a whole week to write and they put out that crappy article? You know what I can do in a week? Make a fucking universe, baby. An infinite universe. Henry Kraemer and Michael Schocket are beer-swilling, pot-toking, beard-trimming, bagel-eating, Nietzsche-reading, dogma-doubting, constantly-copulating, yarmulke-wearing mortals who can’t even fathom infinity.

They got some points for supporting polygamy, but otherwise I’ve been pretty forgiving. I let the Pat Robertson piece slide. I don’t like that schmuck much Myself. I ignored their dog-loving asses when they defended gay marriage and continually attacked My anointed president. I’ve even heard a rumor that they publicly berate Preacher Dan, Bible Jim and My other disciples on campus.

Now these impious infidels are coming into My house and trying to smack Me around? Not in My universe. I’m writing this to let the fine, Me-fearing students of Portland State know that I personally asked Kenneth Ham to build the Creation Museum. I was about to ask Jerry Falwell, but Cerberus ate My last copy of the Divine Plan and everything went to Hell. Colloquially! I meant it colloquially. Calm down, Evangelicals; everything’s still here. Anyway, I lost track of Falwell, and by the time I got around to approaching him, he was macking on St. Peter. Who knew?

Let Me lay it all on the table. Creationism’s true. I made it all in six days. The Earth is 6,000 years old. Man walked with dinosaurs and everybody in the Bible was white. Wearing two different threads is a sin. Selling your daughter into slavery is OK. And to be completely honest, I miss watching stonings. That shit was hilarious. Sorry, atheists, My boys in the South had it right. Your hedonist asses are all bound for eternal damnation. Enjoy the fire, jerkoffs.

I’m serious, if I hear any more blasphemy out of Portland, I’m going to turn this universe around and take us back to oblivion. I brought you all into this world, and I can take you out. Don’t test Me. I’ve done it before.

Return of the JewdiBy: Henry Kraemer and Michael Schocket

OK, G-d–if that really is your name–we didn’t want to do this but if you’re going to attack us at our own newspaper, you’d better prepare for Holy War. You’ve spent 5,000 years trying to take us out, and we keep bitch-slapping your incompetent ass back into obscurity. We’re like cockroaches, baby. We just keep coming back.

You wanna bring it? Well, G-d, let us ask you a quick question: You ever dance with the sons of David in the pale moonlight? Let’s tango.

First off, you don’t even exist. You’re a fairy tale, a myth, a fable, a crass and crafty creation. You’re the boogey man for big people. Why should we care what a mythical being has to say? Do we let Zeus choose our class schedules for us? Fuck no. And we sure as hell aren’t going to let you steal our Sundays either. We’re too busy drinking, and did we mention the fornicating? That too.

We could debate you blindfolded. And don’t try intimidating us with any of that blood, locust and snakes crap. We don’t believe any of that shit and neither of us is the first-born child anyway. If you know what’s good for you, you’ll crawl your worthless, amateur, pansy-ass back to Heaven and go back to spooning Samson.

You think you’re sooo good at what you do, huh? What was up with the Holocaust? How about the Inquisition? How about slavery? No answers? Cat got your supposedly omnipotent tongue? Let us throw a few more out there, you petulant, spoiled, whiny, jealous, attention-craving diva. Where were you during the plague? Forgot about worldwide hunger and poverty, did you? Can you honestly defend the Crusades? Is your ego so important, you’re willing to let more people die in your name than Hitler’s?

We’re blaming you for Bush too, by the way. You screwed so much up on this planet, that we demand your resignation. Let Noam Chomsky have a turn. Hell, let Rush Limbaugh run the show. Anybody could do a better job than your sorry ass.

Even if this Creationist nonsense is true, why did you provide all the evidence for evolution? Did you want us to be confused? Was Descartes right all along? It must have taken some serious effort to so tediously arrange all those fossils, and give us the impression that time had passed between them.

Sorry Jehovah, or whatever you’re going by these days, we’re not buying it. It’s not even a particularly good lie. If Barnes & Noble would put you in the fiction section where you belong, Aesop would have outsold you five to one. And we’re being generous.

We have but one final message for you, G-d. Go to Hell. You’re as useless to us as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, Powdered Toast Man, Jesus and Hillary Clinton. At least they gave us something worthwhile. You’ve only given us plague and pestilence. We made the rest ourselves. So leave us alone and let humanity fix your shit for you.