For many students, college life involves a lot of introspection—a lot of “finding yourself.” For younger students, especially those right out of high school who choose to live on campus/away from home, college may be their first experience with independence, away from the protection and supervision of family.
For many students, college life involves a lot of introspection—a lot of “finding yourself.” For younger students, especially those right out of high school who choose to live on campus/away from home, college may be their first experience with independence, away from the protection and supervision of family.
In the case of LGBT students, specifically, a college environment may be the first place they feel secure or safe enough to accept and be open about themselves with others. Poll data shows that support and acceptance of LGBT people is strongest among college students ages 18–24. Portland State, especially, is considered an extremely inclusive environment that highly values diversity in all its forms. It is undoubtedly a place where many young students finally feel comfortable enough to come out to peers.
But what happens at the end of the school year? What happens when you go home for the summer—perhaps to family—and find yourself back in the closet?
For some, it might not be a big deal. I have friends who consider whoever they are attracted to to be “none of [their] parents’ business.” For others, though, it can be an incredible emotional burden. In addition to possibly fostering feelings of self-loathing and shame, there may be a pervasive notion of dishonesty.
It can be easy to regard yourself as constantly “lying” to your family about who you really are. Not only is this severely delegitimizing, but it also creates the ongoing, increasingly stressful problem of needing to protect the “secret.”
Research findings suggest that for LGBT young people, having an open relationship with parents is good for mental health and self-esteem, and drastically reduces the probability of suicidal feelings, substance abuse and other risky behaviors. Coming out to parents can provide a huge sense of relief, and in some cases may even bring families closer together. So when should you do it? How should you do it? Should you do it at all?
Most counselors recommend writing out everything you want to say in a letter (that will never actually be sent) beforehand. This allows you to organize your thoughts and feelings and prioritize the things you want to say, in a way that’s just plain old difficult to do in your head. You may also want to consider having some educational resources, like information about support organizations such as Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, on hand.
It’s also important to select a good time and place to have the conversation—or at least avoid a bad one. Don’t blurt it out in the middle of a family argument or crisis and avoid doing it at important family occasions such as holiday celebrations, weddings or funerals. This will probably only further complicate things. Instead, opt for a nice, quiet setting, when you’ll have enough time to fully talk things through.
In his book Coming Out, Coming Home, clinical social worker Michael LaSala advises that “as you come out to your folks, tell them you love them and that you seek a close, honest, and loving relationship with them.” Reassure them that you are happy and healthy; this can help to mitigate their possible feelings of worry and guilt. Also keep in mind that they may need time to adjust to the news, just as you may have originally needed time to get fully comfortable with whatever you’ve just told them.
Despite the evidence that open relationships with supportive parents create happier, healthier LGBT people, and despite the fact that Americans in general are becoming more accepting of LGBT people every year, sometimes it might not be a good idea to come out to your family. Sadly, many parents still reject their children when they come out—kicking them from their homes and ceasing all financial support. Some even react violently.
The possibility of parental rejection is a very real concern for young LGBT students, especially those who depend upon their parents to help pay for school. If your parents frequently say things that are anti-gay or homophobic, or have indicated in the past that they would treat you badly if you were LGBT, you may want to consider holding off until after you’ve graduated to come out to them. It will mean enduring an awful amount of emotional baggage in the meantime, but may be the better option in terms of your overall future and well-being.
It is ultimately up to each individual to decide whether the benefits outweigh any potential risks in coming out to their parents. For those who believe their family won’t necessarily disown them but still find the idea of coming out itself to be unnerving, having a close friend (who already knows) present may help to ease the situation. That way, there is someone immediately available to lean on for support if things don’t unfold in an ideal manner.
This issue is uncomfortably complex and difficult for anyone to deal with. Spending the summer home after being away at college can be hard enough without an added layer of complication. In the end, it’s important to take good care of yourself and to do what feels right for you.
