Going to the bathroom is a kind of a gross, icky thing. I talked to four anonymous students about going to a public bathroom, which can be even grosser, ickier and sometimes even a bit creepy.
Anonymous Girl One
Do you think there’s enough toilets-I mean bathrooms on the PSU campus?
I haven’t really explored the bathrooms on campus but in my opinion, yes.
Um – have you ever peeked into another stall?
Um – I don’t know how to answer that.
What do you mean you don’t know how to answer?
I suppose sometimes I peer through the cracks to see if there’s anyone there, but I’ve never actually peaked on anybody. Although at my old job, I used to clean the men’s room and there were lots of glory holes.
What is a glory hole?
I wouldn’t know from personal experience but from what I understand men stick their penises through the glory hole and the guy on the other side anonymously pleases him. No strings attached ya know?
That’s kinda gross.
Yeah, tell me about it.
What’s so glorious about a glory hole?
You get your dick sucked for free and the other person would like it. I guess it would be nice for both people.
Nice meaning glorious?
Exactly. Tender – tender love. Anonymous tender love.
Where did you work that they had glory holes in the bathrooms?
The Union Station.
Glory Hole City!
Anonymous Guy 1
Do you think there’s enough bathrooms on the Portland State campus?
Well I typically never use the bathrooms on the Portland State campus because I live nearby but I would probably say no.
Have you ever been peeked at when you were at one of the urinals?
I don’t believe so. Again, I rarely use the bathrooms. If I have I was unaware of it.
I peeked once, what do you think about that?
I think that’s pretty damn weird and you should be locked up.
Well, afterward I felt really inadequate.
Wait – did you regret the decision immediately or did you do it repeatedly?
No, it was just one time.
Just one time, that’s alright.
But I don’t feel normal, I don’t feel like a man anymore.
You’re were demasculinized?
Yeah, by the experience I was, I’m like nothing compared to this guy that I looked at.
Inadequate in size or – ?
Inadequate in size.
Well, you know what? The size, it can’t change, you should just accept the fact.
Anonymous Girl 2
Do you think there’s enough bathrooms at PSU?
Yes.
Have you ever peeked into another stall?
Here at PSU or just in life in general?
Both.
Yes and no. I’ve peaked into other stalls but not here, just like if girls going to the bathroom together and just like fooling around.
When you’re with your friends?
Not like someone I didn’t know though, that’d be creepy.
What if someone did that to you?
I don’t know, I don’t think I’d like it.
What if that old lady from “Goonies,” the mother of the mobster guys, was peaking at you?
That would make my day, it’d be a great story.
Would you laugh or would you be creeped out?
I’d probably scream, it’s not a face you’d wanna see.
Yeah, that would be pretty traumatic too ’cause you’d be scared out of your wits and you’d try to open the door and then you’d fall down because your panties would be around your ankles! And yeah – that’s not a good scene. Do you ever hum when you’re on the pot?
“Twinkle,Twinkle Little Star” or “Inna Gadda Da Vida.”
What about “Borderline” by Madonna?
Yeah.
What if you were in one of the stalls here at PSU and someone in the next stall started humming the theme to “Banana Splits”? Do you know the theme to “Banana Splits”?
No.
It goes: “TRA LA LA-LA LA LE LA LA-LA LA LA LA LE LA LA,” so it would be like: “HMM HMM HMM-HMM HMM HUH HMM-HMM HMM HMM HMM HE HMM HMM.”
Is that a cartoon ?
No, it was a kid’s show – so in the other stall someone is humming “Banana Splits” and it gets more and more annoying and you can’t concentrate on what you’re doing, ya know what would you do?
Uh – probably just finish up and leave.
You wouldn’t try to like say anything?
No. [Laughs.] What is this interview for?
It’s for the Portland State Vanguard.
And it’s all about bathrooms?
Yeah, but back to the stall.
Sorry.
So you’re in the stall, they won’t stop, what if you did try to say something? And then the humming stops and into your stall emerges a hand with an ice-cream bar. Would you take that ice-cream bar?
Is it wrapped?
Let’s say ‘no’ because that’s more interesting.
No, I don’t think I would take it.
But what if you were really, really hungry?
I try not to eat in the bathroom, it’s just a thing I have –
I knew a guy who liked to uh – when he was on the pot, he liked to eat a bucket of chicken.
That’s disgusting.
Why is it disgusting? Chicken is good.
Yeah, but it’s not the right place – while he was going?
He was really fat too.
What was his name?
Charlie.
I think you’re making that up.
Anonymous Guy 2
Do you think the toilets here at PSU are comfortable?
The sit-down kind?
Yes.
I don’t believe I’ve ever used them.
Really?
Yes.
So like – what if you, ya know. Like – you’ve never had like – HAD TO GO?
Not in that sense, no.
You’ve never tried to go Number 2 on campus?
I try not to do that in public ever. It bothers me.
So would you say that you have ‘shy bowels’?
I would say that, um – I don’t like to be caught with my pants down.
Do you ever hum on the pot, like when you’re at home?
No, I usually read.
What do you read?
Anything with words on it, like I’ll grab a shampoo bottle. I gotta do something!
I can’t just sit there just defecating.
You don’t ever like daydream?
No, I can’t say that I ever do. Sometimes if I’m really tired I’ll fall asleep like right in the middle of the night which doesn’t happen very often.