It was today, 21 years ago, that the very first game of the Legend of Zelda series was released to home gamers. Okay, so this marks the 21st birthday of the Japanese release on the Famicom system, but all the same, can you believe that it has been so long since everyone’s favorite pointy-eared hero first donned his green tunic and set out to save Hyrule?
Alas, Link has always been a hero revered for his strapping, youthful sense of courage, but apparently he hasn’t taken well to his newfound adulthood…
Dear Gomers,
Happy freakin’ birthday to me. Another day, another dungeon. I’ve been knocking back flagons of Death Mountain Porter, Hyrule Lake IPA and Silver Arrow Stout all damn day and I can’t stop thinking about the good ol’ days. And why the hell did Ganon have to show up and ruin everything, anyway? Life here in the green and blue paradise of Hyrule was great but then, oh no, Ganon has to come along an’ act a big-ol’ badass by making off with the Triforce…sheesh.
I guess it wasn’t all that bad. I found myself with this comfy tunic on and a floppy hat to hide my big, elfish ears and I did get to meet up with plenty of fine-lookin’ fairies at the pond. They would make all my sadness go away…but they’re all gone now. So is my once-awesome theme music…I can’t hear a goddamn thing in this cave. I can remember making it through those dungeons, laying it down like a rabble-rouser whenever those Octoroks or Wizzrobes started makin’ trouble. Yeah, I pulled out that sword with majesty and laid my blade down their spines like I was a high executioner. Those were the days.
Hmm…speaking of my magical sword, I’d better step outside. I’ve been really guzzling this tasty brew since the crack of noon, and it’s starting to get to me, ya know? Hoo boy…it’s getting time for Link to pull out his ol’ Master Sword here and…ahh, yeah…that’s the ticket. There’s nothing to make a man feel more heroic than flushing out the golden essence from his number one dagger. Mmm-hmm.
Alright, so yeah, it was all pretty sweet to be me, the legendary hero of Hyrule. Life was pretty goddamn good for a teenaged savior…I had thousands and thousands of rupees, I could handle bombs and boomerangs better than most kids could handle a slingshot, I could use magic…I was one kick-ass child star-hero-guy. But man, you get this brew flowin’ and it reeeeally makes you think about what’s goin’ on, you know what I’m sayin’? I just can’t see myself keeping this up for another 21 years…fuck that! Man, I’ll be 42-years-old and probably be sporting a belly like those merchants I would always make fun of back in my adventuring days. Hell, by then, Zelda will probably be all wrinkly and I won’t have the young spark and charge anymore for her dumb ass. Why the hell am I always savin’ her anyhows? She’s more clever with magic than I ever was! And I need another goddamn drink!
Okay, where was I? Oh yeah, Zelda’s been cheatin’ on me. I think so anyhow, cause I seen her leaving the Hyrule Tavern the odder day with some young punk I don’t even know. BEEELCH! Yeah, yeah that was pretty fucked up, I mean I spend alla this time chasin’ her around and saving her ass from every kinda creepy crawly you can imagine, and what do I get? Diddly-fuckin-squat! I mean, Jesushkriss, a hero’s got needs, you know whad I’m talkin’ aboud? What am I supposed ta do? Take one of those Zora people to bed? Talk about your cold fish…goddamn, I’m grossing myself out jess thinkin’ ’bout it.
Who knows wuzz gonna happen tomorrow? I can’ even see straight now! How duh hell is it gonna get any much better from here? There’s no more goddamn glory left for me in this place! Hyrule is safe, I promise! I’m jes a washed-up loozer of a hero! Go off an’ fin’ yourself another young punk to do this bullshit! I’ma stay right here, chuggin’ down this booze and rememberin’ how great it goddamn well use ta be! An’ to tell you sumthin’ else, why don’ you try and find the same fuckin’ weapons over an’ over an’ you tell me it’s fun to be me! I promise you, it ain’t! I been wearing the same damn uniform for 21 years! An’ we don’t got shit for baths in this land!
Oh, damn…I pissed myself. Heh, heh, BEEEELCH! Whaddid I do wid my flagon? I can’ jus’ stay here and pish down my leg…I’m gonta Zelda’s castle for a reeeal good time. Shit, where’s my coat? Where’s my sword? Oh, hell, I prololly lost ’em in the woods, just like everything else! I don’ wanna do this anymore! I need another beer! And you there, still controlling my life, why don’t you just fuck off! Go back to your Marios and your Pongs and just leef me the hell alone! Youwannaknow what you can do? …You can…you CAN…
Love,
Link