Health pamphlets … are they stupid?

Rave and Club Drugs
I’m not sure how this subject got its own show. Does every debaucheros activity gets it’s own pamphlet now? What’s next, rubber gloves for hand jobs to ward off phalangular herpes?

"Rave and Club Drugs" explains to us why we rave: "to relieve stress and produce euphoria" and why we use drugs "to enhance that feeling." What they really mean is "because it’s the only place where rubber spikes and eight-inch platform furry Sauconys are socially acceptable," and "to dance even worse."

The pamphlet eventually introduces us to all our favorite pills and then talks shit behind their backs. Just hear what they said about Georgia Home Boy (GHB): "mood swings, vomiting, dizziness, increases risk of sexual assault." Hear that? They’re calling him moody.

Abstinence and Pressure
This title sounds like Hall and Oates Album, but in reality it’s the Far Right’s favorite after school special. Abstinence, also known as "not fucking," is a "choice." Sort of like homosexuality, according to some right-wingers.

The pamphlet notes that one reason to wait until marriage is that you’re just too busy. Which is the equivalent of telling an erect penis, "Not now! I’m on the phone."

Dating: What’s Normal, What’s Not
I’ve never been on a true date. When I fancy a lass I usually show up where she works and make fun of her job. It’s fail proof. You get free coffee and they can’t leave. I’ve had almost three girlfriends.

"Dating" makes clear that "Studying probably isn’t a date. Unless you go outside and gaze at the stars." But what if it’s an astronomy class? "Use your best judgment," answered the pamphlet.

They even give you some ideas of what to do on your date: "Go to a coffee shop or out to dinner. Walk, hike or bike. Hang out at the park, beach or lake. Go to a museum or aquarium." Sadly they forgot "bone."

Drinking Too Much Too Fast Can Kill You
So much for literary subtlety.

This happens every year during Cancun spring break. Herd thinning at its finest. Hey, you with the visor and the Tevas, don’t put tequila in the beer bong. How many times do we have to say it? At the very least alcohol poisoning is a harsh party foul (two shots at the line). At most you or your date rapist will have trouble achieving erection. Just kidding, it kills you.

Safer Sex: Talking with Your Partner
"Hey, Amanda, do you have the AIDS?"

"I don’t think so. I’ve never used dirty needles nor slept with anyone without a condom. Do you think we should get tested, Chad?"

"I guess so."

The end.

All pamphlets found in the Health & Human Services Department