Horoscopes and presidential candidates

With the New Year comes one of the most highly anticipated presidential elections in recent history. Because so many people are excited about who might replace Dubya, The Vanguard decided to find some of the lesser-known candidates for the nation’s highest office, look at their zodiac signs, and write about what their candidates mean to us.

Read these horoscopes based on the lives of 12 candidates as astrological recommendations for how you should live life for the next year.

Aries

Name: Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey
Birthday: April 2, 1964
Campaign Website: www.jonathontheimpalerforpresident2008.us
Who they are: Jonathon Sharkey is a self-proclaimed vampire and witch. He is a Dark Priest for the Church of the Followers of Lucifer. And, if he gets your vote, he could be the first president to intentionally work the graveyard shift. Sharkey even has a documentary coming out about his run for Minnesota governor. He also has a very bloody plan to battle terrorism.
What it means to you: Although most of you probably aren’t vampires, Aries must remember not to put off people with the more frightening of vampiric traits: You can be bossy, rude and overaggressive. Instead, use your strong will and aggressive attitude for everyone’s benefit. In the next year, remember to gauge yourself in your interactions.

Gemini

Name: Joseph Martyniuk Jr.
Birthday: May 23, 1950
Campaign Website: www.joeforpresident.org
Who they are: What is Joe Martyniuk’s specialty? He says it’s websites and calls himself a computer guru on www.vote-smart.org. He has created four websites in his career, but unfortunately only one of them works: http://joeydots.com.
What it means to you: It’s of utmost importance for a Gemini to know who they are. Without true self-understanding, Geminis’ sometimes-whimsical attitudes and fickle behaviors can lead them to pursue careers for which they lack qualification.

Virgo

Name: Jackson Kirk “Jack” Grimes
Birthday: September 9, 1950
Campaign Website: http://joanne21921.tripod.com
Who they are: Jack Grimes played Adolf Hitler on a Star Trek episode, was a “Storm Trooper” in the Fascist Freedom Front from 1967–75, and is running for president under the United Fascist Union, a group that models itself after Mussolini and Saddam Hussein. Grimes also wants to abolish paper money.
What it means to you: An easy mistake for Virgos is overcompensation. You often feel jaded by the world and think that everything comes easily to everyone but you. Just remember this: The world sucks for everyone. You don’t have to try to make up for anything because, in reality, you’re not missing out.

Sagittarius

Name: Vermin Love Supreme
Birthday: unknown
Campaign Website: www.verminsupreme.com
Who they are: Vermin Supreme is a character that has been chronicled in newspapers and magazines for years. He is an actor who says he is tired of the political system, so he decided to run his own campaign. He may or may not be a Sagittarius, but he sure seems like one.
What it means to you: Make sure that you continue to use your silly, freedom-loving behavior to do something that actually has impact. Sagittarians are generally quite intelligent, but it is easy for that intelligence to get overshadowed by zany behavior.

Aquarius

Name: Paul Russell “King Solomon, Seed, Genes, Blessed Nights” Rosenberger
Birthday: January 23, 1952
Campaign Website: http://myspace.com/universallifechurch
Who they are: Paul Rosenberger is a minister in the Universal Life Church, a type of Unitarian church that believes all religions are correct as long as they don’t impact other people. He has attended six universities, worked as an ecologist and a pool equipment operator, and is currently the Overseer of the Scottish Rite Language Council.
What it means to you: It’s easy for those with Aquarius as a sun sign to try to do too much, all at once. Aquarians want to keep working, keep moving and keep going. But by doing so much, you accomplish little. Settle down, and you’ll find doing a little will help you accomplish a lot.

Taurus

Name: Grover Cleveland Mullins Jr.
Birthday: May 17, 1957
Campaign Website: www.votegroverforpresident.com
Who they are: Grover Cleveland Mullins Jr. is vying for the president’s seat with two goals. First, it looks as though he wants to make everyone believe that he is the reincarnation of our 22nd and 24th president, Grover Cleveland, so he can be the first man to serve three non-consecutive terms. Second, he wants every school and court to post the Ten Commandments, because according to his website, anyone who doesn’t believe in them is “not good for society as a whole.”
What it means to you: Remember, it isn’t always good to be bull-headed. Having strong opinions is important, but Tauruses must remember that they aren’t always right. Some fights just aren’t worth fighting.

Cancer

Name: Dal Anthony LaMagna
Birthday: July 4, 1946
Campaign Website: www.lamagnaforpresident.com
Who they are: The company Dal LaMagna started years ago, Tweezerman International (abbreviated as TMI) sells tweezers. For some reason, it’s funny to read about a guy who made his millions off a company called TMI that sells tweezers and other beauty products.
What it means to you: Be less sensitive. It’s difficult for Cancers to take criticism or to talk about information that makes them even the slightest bit uncomfortable. When you’re about to tell somebody that they’re giving you too much information (TMI), just listen to what they’re saying and take it for what it’s worth.

Leo

Name: Gary W. Ruff
Birthday: July 31, 1965
Campaign Website: www.garyruff.com
Who they are: Gary Ruff’s claim to fame? He’s the lead singer in the Arlington, Texas–based band BL8ant. Unfortunately, the only song on the band’s MySpace page, “i Tokyo Japan Music Adventure,” has no lyrics.
What it means to you: Don’t oversell yourself. Leos are phenomenally social, and are great at interacting with any kind of person. Just make sure that you follow through when you say you can do something.

Libra

Name: Claire Elisabeth Fields “America, Peach” Cruise
Birthday: October 10, 1965
Campaign Website: www.myspace.com/clairecruise
Who they are: Claire Fields (now Claire Cruise) is so certain she is engaged to the actor Tom Cruise that she legally had Cruise added on to the end of her name. She writes all of her campaign material from the local library in Atlanta, and has seven MySpace friends including Leonardo DiCaprio.
What it means to you: Although it might sound appealing to change your last name to “America, Peach” Cruise and claim that you will soon marry Tom Cruise, don’t do it. That is the single best advice that I can give to any person, of any sign.

Scorpio

Name: Ole’ Savior
Birthday: October 29, 1949
Campaign Website: Unknown
Who they are: According to www.vote-smart.org, Ole’ Savior is an artist and writer, a foster-care father and a man who plans to “save the world from chemical and nuclear weapons (WMDs) of mass destruction.” His third favorite movie is Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.
What it means to you: Scorpios are people of passion. The most important thing to remember is to direct this passion to the right place. Without direction, a Scorpio’s intense goals can often seem a bit misplaced and lofty.

Capricorn

Name: Steve W. Kubby
Birthday: December 28, 1946
Campaign Website: www.kubby2008.com
Who they are: Steve Kubby touts himself for one thing: He helped pass a ballot initiative that legalized medical marijuana in California that sparked similar initiatives in other states. He has lived for 30 years with a rare form of cancer that apparently has a five-year fatality rate. He attributes his health to medical marijuana.
What it means to you: If anything, Capricorns are dedicated, more dedicated than almost any other sign. Dedication is generally a good thing, but it can turn into a hindrance when you focus your whole existence on one problem. Make sure to diversify what you do.

Pisces

Name: Bennie Lee “Ben” Ferguson
Birthday: February 25, 1953
Campaign Website: http://candidate.lpks.org/Default.aspx?alias=candidate.lpks.org/BenFerguson
Who they are: Bennie Lee Ferguson may very well be the first ever transgender presidential candidate. Ferguson is a former republican, and according to an interview on www.Trannyweb.com, became a fiscally conservative, “socially enlightened” Libertarian.
What it means to you: Follow Bennie Lee as an example, you Pisceans, as a person who isn’t afraid to break social norms and be the first to try something new. You have a tendency to fear branching out. In the New Year, experiment and don’t be afraid to fail.