February 20-March 19
You might not want to hear the answer to the question you’re inevitably going to ask, but you have to get through the challenges presented to gain the rewards.
March 21-April 19
No one is here to rain on your parade, Aries. It just feels that way. But if you can handle all those dark clouds on the horizon, you’ll be better for it.
April 20-May 20
Never put off today what you can do tomorrow. Conversely, there’s a marathon of Who’s the Boss on and you have to decide who really is the boss. Good luck!
May 21-June 20
Your week is going to be like leftover pizza. It might seem like a good idea at the time but the crust isn’t going to do well in the microwave, and it’s not going to taste as good as it did the first time around.
June 21-July 22
Hold on tight to something, Cancer! The winds of change are blowing and there’s a big gust coming your way. That thing you worried about might come to pass if you don’t prepare for the tornado.
July 23-August 22
There’s nothing quite like a good round of karaoke and drinks with friends, is there, Leo? Well, savor it this week because next week you’ll have to buckle down hard.
August 23-September 22
It’s time for your day in court, Virgo! All that time preparing to argue about why Fifty Shades of Grey is such an awful thing is about to pay off.
September 23-October 22
You know that jingle you always have stuck in your head? It’s because you miss your favorite childhood cereal and you want to recapture the magic, but the magic is dead and gone, Libra.
October 23-November 21
In your couch cushions you have about two bucks in change. Now, I won’t tell you what to do with that change, but I will tell you that there are good causes that would love any change you could give.
November 22-December 21
Set an alarm on Thursday to make sure you don’t miss class. After all, you’re paying even if you’re not there, and you don’t want to have to sit on the MAX next to someone smelly.
December 22-January 19
Indulge this week, Cappie! There’s a jelly doughnut out there in the world with your name on it and a comic book just waiting to be read!
January 20-February 18
Take the blue pill. Or the red pill. It doesn’t really matter since you’re the captain of your own destiny, right, dear?