Cancer (June 21–July 22)
You are hopeless Cancer…hopelessly devoted to your boo thang, Sandra Dee. Your goal for this week is to pull the opposite of an Olivia Newton and stick to your guns instead of changing for your Danny, Dani or Danielle. Although it can be tough remembering to hold your own in a relationship, just keep in mind that even if they weren’t around, you’d be as cool as a cucumber.
Your song of the week: “Survivor” by Destiny’s Child.
Leo (July 24–August 22)
As you enter mid-summer term, you may feel as though your soul is slowly dying, Leo. But just do what you do best and keep your eye on the tiger. You tend to commit to one too many things and there’s a good chance you’re gonna burn yourself out. Bust a move and get your booty on the dance floor.
Your song of the week: “Eye Of The Tiger” by Survivor.
Virgo (August 23–September 22)
Step down from that high horse Virg, and allow those around you to help a friend out. Your stubborn self has been more of an ass than usual, and it’s pushing the ones you love further away. Take a breather from the small stuff and focus on the bigger picture: getting home to a big tub o’ ice cream and watching Mad Max: Fury Road with your fremps.
Your song of the week: “Let Love In” by The Goo Goo Dolls.
Libra (September 23–October 22)
That promotion you received is starting to take a toll on your mental health. Or maybe it’s all that ganga you’ve been smoking? Don’t worry, I’m not the one that’s gonna tell you to hit it or quit it. (How else is one suppose to relax in a legalized state?) But maybe take your traveling bong on the road, grab your groupies, and take a hike!…To your favorite view spot.
Your song of the week: “Because I Got High” by African.
Scorpio (October 23–November 21)
Stop what you’re doing and listen to this song: “Do You Realize??” by The Flaming Lips.
Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)
Sag, you’re making my 500 days of summer dreamz come true. Way to set the bar REAL high! What am I supposed to do next summer when you’re off gallivanting around the world!? Just rude.
Your song of the week: “You Make My Dreams” by Hall & Oates.
Capricorn (December 22–January 19)
Although your birthday is months away, did someone celebrate a little too early this summer and forget to turn in their homework for summer term? Don’t worry bout a thing, Cap. Use those smooth talking wayz you have and twerk it out with your professor, they’ll understand…or not.
Your song of the week: “Three Little Birds” by Bob Marley.
Aquarius (January 20–February 18)
Get it together Aquarius; get a job Aquarius. Srsly. We’re over your shit.
Your song of the week: “I Hate Everything About You” by Three Days Grace.
Pisces (February 19–March 20)
If you haven’t been in a body of water all summer Pisces, you’re failing at life. You’re a born fish! Hop your neighbor’s fence and jump in their pool, lounge in your K-Mart kiddie pool with a bottle of the Champagne of Beers, or skinny dip in the ocean. I don’t care, just do it!
Your song of the week: “Swimming Pools” by Kendrick Lamar.
Aries (March 21–April 19)
Stop fooling around, ya goof ball, and start dancing around! You’re basically killing it at life right about now. There’s nothing you can do wrong. You just keep doing you, ya star.
Your song of the week: “You Be Killin Em” by Fabolous.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
What are you doing? Now do the opposite.
Your song of the week: “Space Oddity” by David Bowie.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Step aside Gems. Your time of year is over. Now what are you gonna do, you lost puppy? Here’s one solution: Get a cat!
Your song of the week: “Ev’rybody Wants to Be a Cat” by The Aristocats.