From Mystic J; Permanent resident of Room 1313, Hollywood Tower Hotel.
Aries
March 21-April 19
You are beautiful like an ice cream sundae. Remember that in the upcoming week when life gets a little crazy.
Taurus
April 20-May 20
You’re going to miss your family meatloaf this week. However, you won’t be able to recreate it. Your life is like a little vignette from Garden State. I’m sad for you too.
Gemini
May 21-June 20
Once at a food festival, I had alligator tail on a whim and it tasted like chicken. Much like that surprise, something unexpected is coming your way this next week.
Cancer
June 21-July 22
I know that you love to pack yourself a healthy and simple lunch, Cancer. This week, though, maybe you should switch up the health a bit. Maybe a pear for an apple or Triscuits instead of Ritz crackers. A little change will put a zing in an otherwise dreary week.
Leo
July 23-August 22
This next week should remind you of a tamale, dear Leo. You’ll have to unwrap a couple of layers to get to the meat of the issues, but ultimately the outcome will be delicious.
Virgo
August 23-September 22
How many licks did it take you to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? That’s how many extra steps you’re going to take this week when you get lost.
Libra
September 23-October 22
Potato pancakes generally come with warm applesauce and it’s a good thing, because you need something sweet to go with the pancakes. This week, treat yourself to something simply sweet but try not to overindulge.
Scorpio
October 23-November 21
Up until a few years back, I’d never had Pop Shoppe Soda. It’s great with breakfast at my favorite food cart. Get in the habit of enjoying breakfast this week, because you’re going to need the fuel for the next few weeks to come.
Sagittarius
November 22- December 21
The last thing I want you to remember as you approach this week is that life is a lot like one of those turkey legs at Disneyland: unwieldy. And if you go it alone, you may find this week impossible to finish.
Capricorn
December 22-January 19
Let your next week be like biscuits warm from the oven, enjoying your time with melted butter, sweet honey, and a slow enough pace to enjoy it all.
Aquarius
January 20-February 18
That sushi shop wasn’t the best idea for a date night. Your date was actually allergic to something on their plate and was miserable. You might want to take some time and make it up to them.
Pisces
February 20-March 19
Deep fried Twinkies are the number twelve source of heart attacks in America. I actually just made that statistic up, but you believed it. People make things up all the time. Do some fact checking this week, Pisces.