Aquarius
January 20-February 18
Binge watching Archer is your best bet for this week. Also, because it’s hilarious. Some people think you’re Lana, but we both secretly know you wish you were Mallory.
Pisces
February 20-March 19
You may have paid two bucks for that ring tone, but when you don’t land that internship because of said ring tone, you should take that as a hint that it wasn’t the right ring tone for you.
Aries
March 21-April 19
Hot dogs have very little nutritional value. And if you don’t quit your hard partying ways and buckle down this term, people might start talking about you like that.
Taurus
April 20-May 20
Hawkman is one of the least appreciated members of the Justice League, but his strength and power are unmatched. Much like his backstory, you have a life of grand and rich tradition that people are missing out on.
Gemini
May 21-June 20
This week, Cyrano de Bergerac should be your inspiration. Someone close to you is falling in love but is a little shy and really needs you. I could recommend a couple really good movies, if you’d like.
Cancer
June 21-July 22
Are you an astronaut? Because you are out of this world. And a little out of your mind if you think that shade of orange goes with that shade of purple.
Leo
July 23-August 22
Valentine’s Day is over, sweetie, but I know you still feel romantic. And the reason for that is because you do have the moves. Don’t let anyone say otherwise.
Virgo
August 23-September 22
February 15 is the third-best holiday of the year, after Christmas and my birthday. Half-price chocolates are here, and you should indulge, Just like me.
Libra
September 23- October 22
TBS sitcoms use a lot of laugh tracks to mask their lack of comedic timing. You might feel a bit like that this week: flat and fake. But really, you just need to eat breakfast more often.
Scorpio
October 23-November 21
You might think that now is too early to start thinking about your cosplay costume, but that’s simply not true. If you want to be a warrior goddess, you’re going to have to sew that costume yourself.
Sagittarius
November 22- December 21
Your week starts on the other end of a cliffhanger. You’ve experienced a lot this past week, and now it’s time to see how good or bad the aftermath is.
Capricorn
December 22-January 19
Keep driving the bus over 55 miles per hour or it might explode, Cappi. That’s a metaphor. If you’d studied for your test like you said you would, you might know that.
