From Mystic J. Permanent resident of Room 1313, Hollywood Tower Hotel.
Scorpio
Oct. 23–Nov. 21
For a romantic date this week, take your significant other to the zoo and then buy them candy corn. It’s what they wanted to do this summer but were too afraid to ask.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22-Dec. 21
Take out your recycling. It’s not a compost heap and your neighbors are thinking about complaining.
Capricorn
Dec. 22–Jan. 19
Do you remember when you were in kindergarten and made turkeys out of hand prints? Life can be simple, Cappie. You don’t have to spend a million dollars to have the perfect holiday.
Aquarius
Jan. 20–Feb. 18
I’m so happy you knew all those answers on Jeopardy, but it was three days ago. You can let it go now.
Pisces
Feb. 19–Mar. 20
All of your movie selections for the next week should only begin with the letters T, R, L and V. You’re going to dislike all the rest of the movies.
Aries
Mar. 21–Apr. 19
Mike Teavee thought he knew everything too, Aries. And then he ended up going through the taffy puller. Remember that the next time you think you’re the smartest person in the room.
Taurus
Apr. 20–May 20
Your significant other is already planning for the holidays, aren’t they? I know it makes you upset, but maybe you could just let the beauty of Christmas lights wash over you and try not to dampen their enthusiasm.
May 21–Jun. 20
Call your mother or father or great aunt (whoever raised you). They miss you and want to hear from you.
Cancer
Jun. 21–Jul. 22
That five bucks you found while doing laundry should be donated to a good cause. And a good cause can include a midweek chocolate bar for yourself.
Leo
Jul. 23–Aug. 22
People thought in the ’80s that higher hair made you closer to God. In reality, it just put a hole in the ozone layer. Point is: Wear a lot of sunscreen this week, because you’re heading for early age wrinkles.
Virgo
Aug. 23–Sept. 22
Ben & Jerry’s isn’t the answer, Virgo. I know the breakup was hard but you’re past the point of spoiling yourself. Also, don’t you have better breakup music available?
Libra
Sept. 23–Oct. 22
Yes, you really should buy your cousin that Rosetta Stone subscription. Don’t judge him for wanting to go into the Peace Corps, try being supportive for once.