A couple of weeks ago everyone’s favorite tabloid, The Willamette Week, featured a picture of a rotund man sitting backwards on a stool and the question, “Why are Oregonians so damn fat?” I would counter with the question, “Why is the Willamette Week such a shitty newspaper?” Stunning journalism from the svelte and beautiful monkeys who write for Oregon’s number one alternative weekly. Did the guy who spends his time sniffing out “ground breaking” stories in Vera Katz’s panty drawer finally retire? This USA Today-worthy article offered nothing new on the subject of obesity and was both accusatory and abusive. Apparently, it rains a lot in Oregon and people stay inside and drink a lot of beer. Oh, and fast food is bad for you. No kidding? Are there any solutions? Well, uh, apparently exercise is good for you.
That’s it?! That’s the only thing they have to offer? Exercise will have a tough time competing with this box of ding-dongs I’ve got tucked away in my belly rolls.
So what’s a chubby fella to do?
Enter Dr. Atkins and his magical, meaty miracle.
According to the esteemed Dr. Atkins, your body burns carbohydrates and fat for energy. So he takes away the carbs and your body burns only fat. In fact your body burns so much fat you can keep eating it until you gag, keel over and die and you will still lose weight. When I say fat, you may ask, why, what exactly do you mean? Well I mean meat my friend. Shit piles of it. Mad cow, mad chicken, mad halibut, mad chinchilla, if it was once breathing, you can eat it. But stay away from those nasty “carbs.” No bread, no noodles, no legumes, just meat. Shit piles of it.
“What if I’m morally opposed to eating meat?” you ask.
Well then, you are you are condemned to bloated unattractiveness and miserable loneliness you sniveling, tree hugging panty waist. Just like the rest of those vile and corpulent vegan and vegetarians. Atkins don’t care for you and neither do his more than 50 million converts, including sex symbols Jennifer Aniston and ex-Spicegirl Geri Halliwell.
In fact, the Atkins diet is so popular that everyone from Trader Joe’s to GNC to Starbucks are offering low-carb options. Why, even those bastions of good health in the fast food industry, you know, the ones who got you so fat in the first place, are getting into the act, offering everything from low-carb salads and wraps, to bun-less hamburgers. Just stay away from those freedom fries. Sure they support our troops, but each bite adds pounds a plenty. For one-stop shopping, there are low-carb stores popping up everywhere from Northeast Broadway to the Hawthorne Neighborhood. In fact, before the body was even cold a low-carb store opened in the space formerly occupied by indie rock mecca, The Blackbird.
Atkins knockoffs run rampant as well, offering twists on the successful diet, perhaps more suited to your tastes. There’s the fish-heavy South Beach diet, the Schlimazel diet (a kosher variation) and the Bush Administration Diet, which involves eating the flesh of the poor. Fortunately, there’s plenty of that to go around.
As with any fad, there’s a dark side as well. Scientists warn that a diet consisting primarily of meat can cause your kidneys to shrivel smaller than grandpa’s wrinkly love totem on a cold day. And rumors aplenty have flown about that the sudden death of Dr. Atkins last April was due to causes ranging from heart attack to mad cow disease. Well, fear not my friends, the good doctor died at a healthy age 73 from complications after a fall. Sure he slipped on a piece of raw steak but he, and his kidneys, looked magnificent. And face it, that’s what counts.