I was stalked by a zombie policeman

Yes, there are criminals among us, my fellows.CRIMINALITY! From trespassers to shoplifters, Portland State is teeming with hardened lawbreakers. Here are accounts of their grievous acts of CRIMINALITY!


Anonymous 1

Have you ever been in trouble or been arrested or been in trouble or anything?
I don’t know if I can talk about that.

Well, you’re anonymous so you can say whatever you want.
The last time I got arrested was for being in the cemetery late at night.

Now, you say ‘the last time’, have you been arrested numerous times or – ?
Nah, I used to live in Texas and cops are kind of assholes there, I used to get in trouble a lot for breaking and entering ‘n stuff like that –

You can get in trouble in Oregon for breaking and entering though.
But it wasn’t anything bad, it jus’ like, I liked to take walks at night. And sometimes I would be in areas that I wasn’t allowed to be in.

What do you mean areas that you weren’t allowed to be in?
Cemeteries or like parks that I wasn’t allowed to be in. The cemetery that I got arrested at was an open cemetery, but they still like, arrested me. They handcuffed everything and me. I was like with a group of three – I was with my sisters.

What were the cops like?
Assholes. They threw my friend on the ground! They said we were resisting arrest but I thought they were zombies like they didn’t have any lights on and they were like limping towards us and I was like ‘Oh my God! Zombies!’

Were you on something? You thought they were zombies?!
No, I wasn’t – well okay if you see some guy without a flashlight like limping towards you – and so I started running and these cops threw my friend down and was like ‘Everybody stop resisting arrest!’ And we’re like ‘We’re not we just thought you were zombies!’ My friend was like ‘Dude, we didn’t know you were cops. You didn’t have any lights and you didn’t say anything.’ So like they were just assholes.

Yeah, zombie cops!

Anonymous 2

You ever been in trouble with John Law?
Yeah a bunch ‘a times, I still have a warrant for my arrest in Washington for malicious mischief- You can’t put my name!

Oh, I’m not.
And for being a minor in the position of illegal substances.

What was the malicious mischief?
Just doin’ some graffiti.

What were you writing, just tags or – ?
Yeah, tags.

So you weren’t like making any messages or anything.
Not a political message, well it could be a political message in the sense itself.

Uh – wha – wha – is there any other crime you’ve committed? Got caught for – ?
Yeah, shoplifting, graffiti three times – uh what else – truancy – um – nothing anything violent. I didn’t have a license and I drove for awhile – driving with no insurance, illegal left turns –

When did you first get caught shoplifting?
Like 7th grade.

What did you shoplift?
Magic cards. Magic the Gathering.

Wow – yeah, I would think that if you get caught shoplifting in 7th grade it would be for something cool like cigarettes or beer –
Well, that’s what I got caught for, I would steal like tons of cigarettes – I stole vodka once when I was hangin’ out with these hum-bums under the bridge. They put me in this poncho and one of them walked into the back door, this Native guy he threw a bunch of change on the counter tryin’ to buy a forty so the guy ducked down I went in grabbed two bottles of vodka and stormed down under the bridge again, I was like 15.

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done that you didn’t get caught for?
Um -well, I bombed the Fargo police station once. Not bombed, but like graffiti bombed. That was pretty crazy, I was drunk, about 16.

What is a graffiti bomb?
It’s when you’re doing like fast big like – I used to do like this bubble letter kind of thing that you can just like whip out really fast, like you know what you’re gonna do right away. It’s like a piece that takes a lot longer, uses like fill-in’s and color – so a bomb is just like a quick piece but with ya know, spray paint.

And you didn’t get caught for it?
Yeah, they caught me for it. Not that time though, I got caught actually, turned in by my friends who got caught under this bridge, like there was cars driving past, but it was really late so there weren’t very many cars. We were each doing a different piece, a cop car drove past, so we were like ‘Shit!’ and took off up the hill, so we were like on top of the bridge then, but it was just a big field. And they ducked down under the bridge, but I saw a cop start walking so I ducked down the hill and ran, hid in a garage for like an hour. There were cops walking in the alleyway, they came in the garage but didn’t see me ‘cuz it was like super dark. And uh – I ended up making it back to my friend’s house, got a ride back to my house, woke up at six ’cause there were cops knocking at the door, one of my friends turned me in that night.


Anonymous 3

Have you committed any interesting crimes?
I got shoplifting at Nordstrom, and I got caught drinking at school.

Drinking at school, eh?
Yeah, 151.

Uh – what school was it?
St. Mary’s academy, just a few blocks away.

Where did you get it?
Uh – we asked a homeless punk to buy it for us.

Where did you drink it?
There’s a veranda on the PSU campus that’s lovely and isolated, we went up there drink it with Dole orange juice.

Were you just like physically intoxicated, is that how you got caught?
Well, we did it quite a lot actually, the teacher either didn’t know or didn’t care but then someone else in the class did care and told on us.

Oh, who was that person?
Well, I don’t want to name names but we’re pretty sure we’ve narrowed it down to one girl who thought she knew everything, she was one of those smart asses.

Did she have some kind of vendetta against you?
Well, truth be told we were in physics together and I set the curve for a couple tests and I think she was mad at me about it. High school drama. I don’t know if that was the actual reason, I think she was just like one of those do-gooders who wanted other people to be as law-abiding as she was, so she thought she could force the law on us.

Some people!
I know, I know. Bitch! I still hate her to this day, is that a bad thing?

Yeah – well no, that’s not a bad thing.
I just haven’t let Jesus into my heart so I can’t forgive everyone for all the horrible things they’ve done to me.