Ira KortumI pity the fool who ain’t graduating!

Once again comes graduation. The hoopla, the event, the thing we’ve been building up to (for however long it’s taken) by getting all the different requirements and crossing all the I‘s and dotting all the T‘s to qualify for a degree.

We’ve made it, sweet God almighty. We’ve finally made it!

So congrats, good job, don’t forget to set aside that $30 to $50 you’re gonna need to buy your graduation outfit and remember to hand out your allotted amount of tickets to the proper family members. And here’s to hoping that you have enough tickets.

Also let us hope that the main commencement speaker will focus a little more on the achievements of the graduating class and its future, or the future itself, instead of politics and personal agendas as some of the speakers have done in the past. And at least this year the person chosen to be the keynote speaker isn’t someone who’s going to give “the little activist that could” any “cause” to go out and fight the good fight: the cowardly and anonymous fight, but the good fight nonetheless.

Aahhhhh, graduation, what a happy time. Or for many, what a pain in the ass.

But what can you do? It’s expected, isn’t it? By tradition, by family? How many people go to graduation just because they’re afraid that if they don’t they’ll regret it later? How many people find graduation ceremonies nothing but long and drawn out with only a few occasional moments of excitement? Not the whoop-de-do kind but the “What was that? Did something happen? What did I miss?” kind.

Not that we need fireworks or anything like that … but … well … wait a minute, that’s a great idea!

Maybe fireworks are just what we need to revitalize this old tradition.

You know, put a new and lively spin on it. That would make a lot of people feel better about graduation, wouldn’t it? (Insert stoic leader-type) “Yes, yes, we know you must sit six hours listening to people most of you don’t know speak about things you’re not really concerned about, then listen to a thousand names called before yours, then sit through a thousand more afterward before you get to leave, but, if you make it through to the end without falling asleep, attacking a fellow classmate, talking on your cell phone during the ceremony, or running away screaming in terror, we have a BIG FIREWORKS SHOW!!

Is this cynical? A little sarcastic, yes, but please speak out, does anyone find graduation a huge, fast-paced, action-packed good time? Or even any of these previously mentioned things? Or does it feel like that last late-night cramming session for a final test you’ve been putting off?

This is starting to get a little hairy, maybe we’re in trouble, maybe no one else can help and maybe if we could find them, we could hire The A-Team! Yes! It’s perfect! Graduation day would be totally saved.

Howling Mad Murdock could be the wild-card funny guy who could pop up sporadically throughout the audience, keeping us on our toes. Face would give the Keynote address in his smooth, suave, pimp-daddy ’80s style. B.A. Barracas would build some thingamajig out of three pieces of bubble gum, an old blender and three empty folding chairs for people who were foolish enough not to come to the ceremony, that would be bullet proof, launch cars and save us all from overwhelming odds.

And up above in heaven, George Peppard would be looking down and giving smiles for all. He can’t play the part of the A-Team leader, because he’s dead.

And graduation day would be a happy place for all. Just keep that little fantasy or one of your own making in mind when it’s finally time to start calling names for you to walk down the aisle after sitting through three hours of people talking, in an outfit you paid $30 to $50 for that you’re only going to wear once and coming to the realization that they’re not even halfway through the A’s, and your last name starts with W.